scribbler.

this one's into my head now

2007-05-12T00:04:00.000+08:00

chick's baseball and my pen.

2007-05-11T21:38:00.000+08:00

They call a short stay in baseball "a cup of coffee," and that's what I had, but it was a cup of coffee at the best table in the best joint in town.
--- Chick Benetto, for one more day (mitch albom)

mitch albom's newest piece is my current read.
actually, the impulsive buyer in me trampled all over my senses that before i had an idea of what's going on, i believe i have marched to the counter cradling albom's books - for one more day and 5 people you meet in heaven - and have fished the plastic card from my wallet.

promptly paid my purchase. no second thoughts, without looking back.

now, i am thoroughly enjoying every page of the book.

fact is, i have stopped on this particular page in which the preceeding paragraph falls.
it made me pause, think and reflect - on thoughts that i have set aside, but kept on resurfacing. stuff that bubbles inside my head that sometimes won't let me be still.

hmmm...how do i start? might as well let my mind drift and allow my hands to do the typing.

Chick's a baseball player who has crossed the rainbow of the game - the World Series. Chick has played in the Major League and figured in the World Series.
after that, nada.

He blew his knee, was healed, played in the Minor League. but that was as far as he goes.

he ended up being a salesman.

he had the best that life had to offer. but it wasn't enough....

i haven't finished the novel yet, but somehow, the epiphanies are humbling and small spurts of affirmation simply juts out from the pages.

Chick's line is parallel to every mainstream journalist's creed, you're only as good as your last copy.

this line made me work my ass off in every story i submit to my editor when i was still in active duty as a sportswriter. being one of the few female sportswriters added pressure to make good in my chosen profession, prove that i have something in between my ears, was more than just a pretty face and punctuated my article with hardwork and dedication that has earned for me the (then much sought-after) byline and respect of colleagues.

and then i left. worked as an editor in foreign land. came back. enjoyed my brief stint in the academe. and then joined a broadcast network.

i have never turned my back to writing. it has, and will always be my one true love. writing has kept me sane. made me still. allowed me to cry and comforted me best. writing has been my constant source of smiles. and it has never left me wounded.

and so, every now and then i pick up my pen and seek for a story waiting to see print.

sometimes, i'm successful. but there are times, i feel broken-hearted.

i had the best time of my life getting my nails inked. scribbling madly post-game interviews. waking up early for an exclusive. beating deadlines. wracking my brains for the perfect lead. hacking away my story on some beaten typewriter. helping out my editor to put our magazine to bed. receiving fan mails. getting patted on the back by people i thought i would never impress. be praised by people who actually knew i exist.

it was a giddy experience. pretty much like riding on a small boat and admiring the surrounding beauty from the outside. almost surreal. ethereal. and i could still taste the cloudy, heady sensation tingling and tracing the insides of my cheeks, rolling on my tongue, bouncing and bumping into every fiber of my body.

it's that giddy.

it was one of the best chapters in my life.

somehow it defined me.

gave birth to several realizations. unveiled friendships that are meant to be for keeps, and some that could only go too far. it has stripped people off their masks, and taught me that i should know better.

it was one of the best street in my journey and being led into it was like having the best teacher in class.

it was like getting the best seat in a concert, the performer pausing and dedicating that one favorite song of the moment and just cherishing the performance especially for me.

wow.

now, i am in a different field. huddled with an entirely new cast. and as i embrace new challenge to my growth, i am flipping the page of my book so i can write on a fresh leaf now.

no last copies for this girl, only fresh ones to make. >wink!<

it's all because you kissed me goodnight...wish ko lang!

2007-05-11T17:08:00.000+08:00

I've been looking for this poem since i heard it from a classmate back in my freshmen year.
whew! college days pa 'yun!

thanks Bro H!!!! You're the Man. ahahahahay

Said My Pajamas and Put on My Prayers

I climbed up the door, and opened the stairs;
I said my pajamas and put on my pray'rs,
I turned off the bed and crawled into the light
And all because you kissed me goodnight.

Next morning I woke and scrambled my shoes;
I shined up an egg, then I toasted the news;
I buttered my tie, and took another bite;
And all because you kissed me goodnight.

By evening I felt normal, so we went out again
You said "Goodnight," and kissed me,
I hurried home and then I climbed up the door, and opened up the stairs;
I said my pajamas and put on my pray'rs;
I turned off the bed, and crawled into the light
And all because you kissed me goodnight.

I powdered my hair, and pinned up my nose;
I hung up the bath, and I turned on my clothes;
I put out the clock, and wound the cat up tight;
And all because you kissed me goodnight.

I ran up the shade and pulled down the stair;
I curled up the rug, and I vacuumed my hair;
I just couldn't tell my left foot from my right;

And all because you kissed me goodnight.

By evening I felt normal, so we went out again
You said, "Goodnight," and kissed me, I hurried home and then
I lifted the preacher and called up the phone;
I spoke to the dog, and I threw your Ma a bone;
'Twas midnight, and yet the sun was shining bright,
And all because you kissed me goodnight.

goodmorning Sunshine!!!

2007-05-10T09:05:00.000+08:00

this email made me smile.
i love how this week started and how each morning is punctuated with a shared guffaw.
a hearty laugh. and underlined with an abundance of smile.

and i'm sooooo loving it. =)

special thanks to my handsome bro, Haeroldous. i hope i spelled your name right. hahaha

After A While

after a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security,

and you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises,

and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.

and you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

after a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
so plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

and you learn that you really can endure...
that you really are strong, and you really do have worth.
and you learn and learn...with every goodbye, you learn.

(by Veronica Shoffstoll - 1971)

hmmm..

2007-05-07T21:47:00.000+08:00

i don't like fat. pork fat. beef fat. lamb fat. chicken fat.
perhaps, the only fat that i could tolerate are the ones attached to my body...and sinigang na bangus belly.

two days ago, we had nilagang baka for lunch.

i have scooped the veggies - cabbage, lettuce, squash, beans - and was stoking the serving bowl with my fork, looking for the beef. with no fat, of course. finding none, i asked Nanay how come it's all fat. of course, that's not entirely true. there are beef chunks in the broth, but the cut parts are not exactly to my liking..so i went to scoop some from the casserole.

but i have finished the beef with gusto and i was in want of some more.

i wandered again if there's still some more beef.
you know what my Nanay did?
hiniwa niya ang karne na nasa plato niya. inilagay niya ang lahat ng laman sa plato ko, at tuloy ang kaniyang pagkain habang kami'y nagkukuwentuhan.

I JUST LOVE MY MOM.

sleepless and surfing.

2007-05-06T01:01:00.000+08:00

it's two minutes past one in the morning. and i should really be sleeping right now.
but then again, i am too hooked-up with the net, surfing - people from the past, friends, colleagues, high school crushes - that i've been waving off sleep's incessant call.

and now i'm blogging.

i met up with my very good friend yesterday - DJ.

though i'd rather stay home and run my CSI DVD Marathon, there's something with the way her SMS sounded that i felt i should meet her.
and so we met, lunched, went to the supermarket and gabbed.

cradling coffee cups in our hands, taking itsy bites of the New York Cheesecake that idly sits on the marble top between us. gabbing about life. on the two high school friends we saw with their respective girlfriends. past loves. her kids. high school. her siblings. her mom. my work. my being a workaholic. my lovelife - or lack of it (hahahahaha).

DJ asked if i'm okay. i smiled. i gave her a reassuring smile.
of course. i'm loving life, and i guess it's pretty obvious with the way how things are going right now.

one's happiness need not be anchored on someone.
one has to be happy by herself, before she could find happiness by being with another.

i am happy. not exactly contentd, but i feel blessed.

i know, one day soon, i'll be happier and would be feeling more blessed.

and when that day comes, i know, more people will be happy for me.

my bad, it's Emily.

2007-05-05T23:05:00.000+08:00

it was just the affirmation i needed.
the title of the previous post was also the title of Emily Dickinson's poem, and not Frost.
my loud musing paid off as Tel (who keeps tab of my wanderings via this blog by the way, hehehehe) SMSed me.

the past week was exhausting. but it was the kind of exhaustion that you get to appreciate come weekend....it was a productive week as well.

after hieing off to Iloilo for the Pinoy Pop Superstar Roadshow in Iloilo, wherein i was reunited anew with these very beautiful palanggas...

at heto pa....

i had to pack my bags again for the two-day team-building seminar that my Corp.Comm. Family had cooked-up in Subic held last Thursday and Friday.
lahat ng gurls sa Family, magaganda!

it was a blast! especially, when my group won the overall games....

the PATA Team. hahahaha

this is my new FAMILY now...

and my 'mumsie' and 'pops' ....
i am sooooo blessed to have all of them...and was blessed more to share a day and a half with them with no PC to harass me. hahahahaha

and i've never felt more energized and inspired to start working again.
hahahahaha
talk about being a sucker for work.

that's me.

was it Frost?

2007-05-01T10:36:00.000+08:00

After great Pains, a Formal feeling comes.
(sabi ko nga sa shoutout ko sa Friendster) it's not just me waxing romantic. it's me being thankful that i have lived and loved with the kind of passion that have driven me to an ecstatic bliss and abysymal lows, with enough passion that had me fragmented and made me whole again.

while the process of being shattered is something that i wouldn't wish even to my enemies (wala naman 'ata akong enemy...not that i'm a saint) I believe, it's the ultimate test of one's strength and character.

one could only be thankful that it's over.

i was talking to J (chatting was more like it) yesterday.
and i was recounting an Iloilo trip. i was conjuring the imagery with the best words that my mind could spit. and i was smiling the entire time.
i was sharing a story of two wonderful persons who stamped the nose-shaped province with their spirit but did not end up together.

the story was beautifully sad.
and the lips (well, the hands actually did the typing...so there.) that carried the tale could only spell enough melancholy.

J said it was sad. i agree. but the beauty there, i guess, is the capacity to remember and actually tell the story by being sad no more.

so, it's me. hahaha

i'm just happy sharing that thought 'coz i'm back in the same place, walking the walks and inhaling the throbbing spirit of the city.

sabi ko nga kay J, the spirit of the moment is gone. only the memories remain.

why am i writing it?

so that those who are hurting (are you listening JR? hahaha) will know that it's alright to feel sorry for themselves, to mourn, to grieve, to feel depress, to own their pain, and then start living again and then move one.

we are all entitled to feel the anguish that every separation brings.
to feel helpless. to feel unloved. uncared. unwanted. inadequate.

and after indulging in the pain, once must know that it's time to live and move on.

sometimes kasi, we need affirmations that it's okay to cry. to actually let the aggrieved person cry rather than stifle the hurt that's wrestling and wracking one's very core.

it is in crying (wail if you must) that we find the perfect way to exhaust every intangible and fractured piece of spirit that is bottled in our core. kundi, mabu-buang lang tayo.

to cry is to exhale; to unburden our spirit with numbing blows; to cry is to purge ourselves with crippling abstracts that may forever leave us dented.

tough as how some people see me, i cry.

because it is in crying that i find my strength. knowing that i have shed tears and wiped away the last of my sobs, i can look forward to being whole again. finding my smile. welcoming sunshine back into my life.

something that i am now.

After Great Pains, Formal Feeling Comes.

iloilo musings.

2007-05-01T10:25:00.000+08:00

i started my week by hopping on to Cebu Pac's second morning flight bound for Iloilo.
it's me, at work.
in the midst of the frentic and exciting press meet i've mounted last night, my Big Boss texted me about the DEparttment's out-of-town team-building by the middle of this week.

i'm Subic-bound as soon as i hit Manila tomorrow.

i smiled...well, i actually bit my lip from laughing.

literally, i am living my life in a suitcase...at least for the month of May!

i just have barely enough time to unload my soiled clothing to make room for fresh ones; just having enough allowance to let my suitcase breathe for a few hours before i lug it to our new destination.

cool no? it's not me bragging. it's me, just feeling awesome and blessed at the same time to go around and meet real nice people....and i know, it's in mingling and meeting these new faces and making new friends and whiling time and conversing with them that i grow.

and it's this facet of my work that i really enjoy the most.

true that i get tired. i feel worn-out.
but the sense of fulfillment that i get is something that refreshes me at the same time.

hmmmm.

incurable.

2007-04-27T22:15:00.000+08:00

i am a hopeless romantic. an incurable Bora junkie.
yes. this is another entry on Bora.

it's been a week since i bathed in its golden sunset and drank the vermillion from its sun.
it's been a week since i dipped into its calming waters and walked barefoot on its powdery sands.

but i guess, one can't get enough of Boracay....its endless supply of bronze goddesses..hehehehe

adventure....really, really nice people...and sights like this that would make you feel like a kid all over again!

see, i've got a school of Nemo behind me!

cramps did little to prevent me from conquering my fear. fact is, it got me reconciled with the adventurer in me.

rockin' Bora has never been this good!

(know something? for a nanosecond i was thinking of retracing my steps to Manila...
i was only too glad to shake the nega feeling off me.
i can't afford to allow an atom of tentativeness spoil my homecoming of sorts...
and now, i am only too glad i just let things be.
it was the best THREE DAYS of Summer for me, this Bora experience, i mean.
i know, another surprise is bound to unfold...and i can't wait for it to happen...am all tight-lipped about it, for now...)

i'm glad i brought a piece of it with me home...

on a high still.

2007-04-25T22:09:00.000+08:00

pardon the lack of visuals. photobucket is not exactly cooperating and Mr.Friendster has decided to jilt me anew as my attempt to upload fresh Bora photos proved to be futile.

i am itching to read my friends' messages and comments on my Bora adventure. and i really am going to barge into a net shop tomorrow just to browse over my Friendster missive.

i know. i know. i am starting to sound like a crackhead - blabbering about Bora and nothing else.
i can't help it. really. i'm Bora intoxicated. and i am on a high still.

actually, i could still feel the warmth of the Bora sun on my skin.
hehehehe
it's coz i got it tattoed on my back. really...i'll upload it here, as soon as the cyber geniuses find means and ways to make the traffic a tad bearable.

imagine? Friendster's down for two days now?
humpht.

and for the wonderful people silently following my adventures...
standby.

the month of flowers is just starting...and there's a lot of exciting things bound to happen and wonderful people to meet.

ciao.

Bora! Bora! Bora!

2007-04-23T18:56:00.000+08:00

it was my first trip in four years..in summation, it was my seventh.
Boracay, as i have always claimed, has become some sort of my second home.
it did not disappoint me when i traced my steps to this island that nestles one of the most beautiful sunset that has unfolded before my eyes....

words escape me now as i nurture a hangover that might take a few more days before it finally wear off...i don't mind. really...i wish, it won't go away.

i guess i'll just let these pictures show how much i enjoyed Bora.

Bora silhouette.

let's do the Bora Silhouette Jump!

Bes Joey and his trademark smirk..or is it smile? sheesh. sa lahat ata ng picture namin, ganito ang ngiti niya. i know this guy enjoyed Bora. hehehehe
bakit kaya? =P
basta happy 'tong mamang 'to, kahit naiiwan ako sa ere minsan....=P

there you go...ang ganda ng view hano?!! shempre!
a Bora visit is not complete without having your pic taken against the mountain silhouette at sunset. Papa Jonas took our pic. may makulit sa likod eh.

Boracay Bronze Goddesses! 'wag nang umangal.

well, ain't that sweet. ;)

threesome ;)

this guy's one of the smartest and wittiest i've met on the island.

and this guy's one of the coolest. and i'm so glad he's there. ;)

Tin and I kayaked from Station 1 to Station 3 and back..something na hindi kinaya ni Jonas! hahahaha

because, we GIRLS ROCK! hahahahhahaa

all geared up for the WALL CLIMBING event of TRIBU X TOUR.

Kuya GIl's one of the most patient and coolest person i've met. siya ang nag-belay sa'kin.

last look at the cam before THE CLIMB.

let's get it on!

this is me, getting the cramps! shayt.

the yabang factor! YES! I REACHED THE TOP! hahahahhahaa

intoxicated with Bora still!!!

this dude kidnapped me from my Aria dinner! humpht. and it's because of an "emergency". =P

the ARIA 4 CHEESE TRIUMVIRATE! at pinagkaguluhan talaga kami!!! Tin, kwento mo nga!

we rocked the hoops! hahahaha

we are BORA's FAB FOUR!

Yes, I am the very definition of Sun-kissed. hahahahhaa

Until my next visit.....sigh....

hopefully with someone who'll watch the sunset with me and wax romantic. ;)

Boracay here I come!

2007-04-16T13:55:00.000+08:00

I am going to Bora this weekend...my haven.
and i am going to wear my swimsuit, not the itsy-bitsy kind, silly.

I am going to Bora, and that's it. >wink!<

how much does he love her....?

2007-04-04T22:54:00.000+08:00

how much does he love her...?

on a crowded avenue, he made her stop walking.
took off his cap, became lost in her eyes and bent down to kiss her.

***

today i found something i thought i wouldn't have the courage to face, and my heart was lightened. then i was reminded, "Forgive yourself".

flowers can make anyone smile.

2007-03-28T16:58:00.000+08:00

i have always harbored a secret tendre with flowers.
they make me smile. they make me feel better. they make me feel appreciated.
they reassure me that when things get pretty awry, good things are bound to come next.

i am so freakin' exhausted. a lot of things are running inside my head.
i'm tired. drained. and there's a dull pain thudding idly inside my head.
it's beyond the physical.
it's the mental exhaustion that has perhaps (heck, it is), taken its toll on me.

i glanced at the Justine and Jessie and i managed to force out a smile.
i envy the pretty miss. she's swamped with flowers.
pink. red. white. yellow.flowers.
in big and small beribboned baskets.

i wish my table's spilling with flowers right now....

si Einstein.si Florence Nightingale. ang soccer at ako, ang manunulat.

2007-03-27T22:29:00.000+08:00

When I was a kid, I often indulge in daydreams.

One day, I was this Einstein wannabe.

My greatest dream then – to concoct an expectorant that will snag the tiniest phlegm of stupidity and selfishness that has taken root in every person’s cranium and promptly expel from the polluted system.

I passed through that stage wherein I thought (and with Nanay’s prodding) I’d look good in a crisp, white uniform with that starchy little cap on my head. I thought I’d be the next Pinay Florence Nightingale.

And then, there was a time I thought entering the PMA and donning a Navy uniform would be the coolest thing for me (I ruled out the airforce, ‘coz I fear heights. Army is a bit ordinary, or so I thought.Hehehehe).
I dreamt of entering military school.

When I was in high school, I was drugged with thoughts of excelling in sports. I thought I’d be the next softball sensation - sporting the spanking, smart, pin-striped uniform of my school varsity. But just like my dream of suiting up as a junior basketeer, Tatay quashed the thought.
He wouldn’t want me to become a lesbian.

But then again, I wasn’t to be restrained too simply.
In college, I played soccer for three straight years, and went on to become my Faculty’s team captain on my senior year.
It was fun. True, I was observed to be a tad boyish for some boys’ standards, but I don’t care. I enjoyed the game and was, still is, perfectly in touch with my feminine side.

When I stepped into the university, I know, my calling was to become a communicator. Since elementary, I have developed this love affair with the printed word. Reading is only second to breathing.
And it is in writing that I found my heart.
The first stirrings of love pulsed through me, when I discovered the magic of writing.

I liked seeing my nails getting inked – from jotting down lectures, notes, interviews, quotes, using the typewriter.

There’s a different kind of high in getting facts, chasing people for interview, cramming everything into coherent phrases, shaping sentences, sewing paragraphs for stories that would inform people, make them laugh, tug their hears, shape opinions.

And there’s a different sense of fulfillment in seeing people actually read what you have written, it’s euphoric when an authority in the field actually acknowledge your existence.

And then I almost forgot how it is to dream, much more, indulge in that child-like trance of daydreaming things the adult me would perhaps dismiss as too simple, too naïve.

Almost. Forgotten. Almost forgotten.
But not quite.

I indulge in daydreaming still. Often, coming home from work. I daydream of spending one whole day, resting. Reading a book, snuggled on my banig. Tucked into my own realm. Unbothered. No household chores to think of. No impending bills threatening to nick my salary anew. Sigh. Those kinds of daydreaming.

Sometimes, I confuse it with my what ifs.
But then, that’s another blog entry.

the fear you won't fall....

2007-03-14T16:33:00.000+08:00

i was sifting through a gazillion of emails, and i stumbled on this one.
something that will make any true-blue hopeless romantic sigh.
hahahahaha
perfect timing, 'Full House' is on rewind and i'm tickled pink with Jessie and Luigi's market moment.
hahahaha

trust me, flowers never fails to make any girl smile.

enjoy the song.

“The Fear You Won’t Fall”
Joshua Radin

Digging a hole and the walls are caving in
Behind me air’s getting thin but I’m trying
I’m breathing inCome find me

It hasn’t felt like this before
It hasn’t felt like home before you
And I know it’s easy to say but it’s harder to feel
This way

And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can’t get my mind off of you

I know you’re scared that I’ll soon be over it
That’s part of it all
Part of the beauty of falling in love with you is the fear you won’t fall

It hasn’t felt like this before
It hasn’t felt like home before you
And I know it’s easy to say but it’s harder to feel
This way

And I miss you more than I should than I thought I could
Can’t get my mind off of you

And I hate the phoneBut I wish you’d call
Thought being alone
Was better than was better than

And I know it’s easy to say but it’s harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can’t get my mind off of you
Can’t get my mind off of you

And I know it’s easy to say but it’s harder to feel
This way
And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can’t get my mind off of you

happiness.

2007-03-06T22:54:00.000+08:00

one can never have enough of happiness.
the state of being happy. being in bliss. almost carefree.
as if a thousand smiles rained and the droplets dribbled freely in and around one's mouth...
a tangible, palpable liquid scent - its swirling watery vapors tip-toeing on the lips, ever-so lightly...like dancing butterflies on the petals of a morning rose.

one can never have enough of happiness.
a dose of which can be likened to a cardiac arrest of bubbling emotional goo - sudden lightheartedness, intangible, addictive.

happiness is that rare disease everyone wants to get inflicted of, those who has it, never makes time to seek for a cure.

who would want to be cured from being happy right?
who wouldn't want to be wrapped in a blanket of bliss?
know no pain. relieved of hurt. unscarred. beyond the reach of a scourge.

everyone wants to be happy. you. me. and almost every person in my contact list.

but how does one find it? where does one start the search?

i have learned that being happy starts from within.
and the process is not exactly the very definition of brevity.
finding happiness does not happen in blink of an eye - lasting happiness that is, one that does not fold at the slightest touch nor waver at the faintest blush.

while it is true that happiness may be found in the simplest of things,
it is because one has learned to reconcile certain issues with oneself.

until there was you

2007-03-06T17:50:00.000+08:00

sadness never had a face until you came and blanketed its almost ethereal abstraction.
it knew no form, now it is capable of touch.
it occupies no space, now it has a body of its own with fingers capable of tracing the heart's most faint lines and vein the chamber's innermost nerves.

sadness never knew a voice until you came and lend it a sound that has become synonymous with a heartbreak --- a soft cry only that only the heart can hear; a dribbled, stifled wail audible only to the soul.

sadness never knew me, until there was you.
and i have never been happier.

Ash Wednesday ngayon.

2007-02-21T13:20:00.000+08:00

today is Ash Wednesday.
a special day of obligation for Catholics worlwide to pause for a moment, contemplate, reflect and call to mind the importance of this day as it bid the start of the 40-day fasting in observance of Lent.

please, if you're not a big fan of the Catholic faith, the least that you can do is bite your tongue - that is if you're parents did not teach you how to respect other people's beliefs...

in this space, i could babble forever on other religion's flaws but i chose not to.
because i was taught how to respect other people's faith.

my circle of friends is an interesting pot of various religions and beliefs, but we got along fine..almost 15 years...because we know how to respect each other's space and the respective faith that we grew up into....

sana, 'yung lahat ng tao..ganun din.

must share.

2007-02-20T16:57:00.000+08:00

hear ye, hear ye.
for the married, single, recently un-coupled or single but in troubled relationship.
let me share this with you. something that's worth your while.

Advice for the married, planning to get married, single but not available, single and available, no love life.

Eduardo Calasanz was a student at the Ateneo Manila University, Philippines, where he had Father Ferriols as professor. Father Ferriols, at that time was the Philosophy department head. Currently, he still teaches Philosophy for graduating college students in Ateneo. Father Ferriols has been very popular for his mind opening and enriching classes but is also notorious for the grades he gives. Still people took his classes for the learning and deep insight they take home with them every day (if only they could do something about the grades...)

Anyway, come grade giving time, (Ateneo has letter grading systems, the highest being an A, lowest at D, with F for flunk), Fr. Ferriols had this long discussion with the registrar people because he wanted to give Calasanz an A+. Either that or he doesn't teach at all...Calasanz got his A+.

Read the paper below to find out why.
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PARTNERS AND MARRIAGE
By Eduardo Jose E. Calasanz

I have never met a man who didn't want to be loved. But I have seldom met a man who didn't fear marriage. Something about the closure seems constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within our lives.

When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was the logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration of each other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering and could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate.

And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed to glow in each other's presence. They seemed really in love, not just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other's foibles. It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible.

How, I asked myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the other's habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem unable to even stay together, much less love each other?

The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to succeed. It is important to find someone with whom you can create a good relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly in the early stages.

Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the way you see yourselves together. It blinds you to the thousands of little things by which relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to find a way to see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination. Some people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the other side. This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others deny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get to know each other apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from having any normal perception of what life would be like together.

The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long- time friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get to know each other's laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see each other at their worst and at their best. They share time together before they get swept into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality.

This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you fall under the spell of your sexual attraction immediately, you need to look beyond it for other keys to compatibility.

One of these is laughter. Laughter tells you how much you will enjoy each other's company over the long term. If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at the expense of others, then you have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter is the child of surprise.
If you can make each other laugh, you can always surprise each other.
And if you can always surprise each other, you can always keep the world around you new. Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. Even the most intimate relationships based only on seriousness have a tendency to turn sour. Over time, sharing a common serious viewpoint on the world tends to turn you against those who do not share the same viewpoint, and your relationship can become based on being critical together.

After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a way you respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see their relationship as existing only in the space between the two of them. They find each other endlessly fascinating, and the overwhelming power of the emotions they are sharing obscures the outside world. As the relationship ages and grows, the outside world becomes important again. If your partner treats people or circumstances in a way you can't accept, you will inevitably come to grief. Look at the way she cares for others and deals with the daily affairs of life. If that makes you love her more, your love will grow. If it does not, be careful. If you do not respect the way you each deal with the world around you, eventually the two of you will not respect each other.

Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries of life. We live on the cusp of poetry and practicality, and the real life of the heart resides in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by the mystery of the unseen in life and relationships, while the other is drawn only to the literal and the practical, you must take care that the distance doesn't become an unbridgeable gap that leaves you each feeling isolated and misunderstood.

There are many other keys, but you must find them by yourself. We all have unchangeable parts of our hearts that we will not betray and private commitments to a vision of life that we will not deny. If you fall in love with someone who cannot nourish those inviolable parts of you, or if you cannot nourish them in her, you will find yourselves growing further apart until you live in separate worlds where you share the business of life, but never touch each other where the heart lives and dreams. From there it is only a small leap to the cataloging of petty hurts and daily failures that leaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfied with their mates.

So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a partner with whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of marriage can take place in your hearts. I pick my words carefully when I speak of a miracle. But I think it is not too strong a word. There is a miracle in marriage. It is called transformation. Transformation is one of the most common events of nature. The seed becomes the flower.
The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes spring and love becomes a child. We never question these, because we see them around us every day. To us they are not miracles, though if we did not know them they would be impossible to believe. Marriage is a transformation we choose to make.

Our love is planted like a seed, and in time it begins to flower. We cannot know the flower that will blossom, but we can be sure that a bloom will come. If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom will be good. If you have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the bloom will be flawed. We are quite willing to accept the reality of negative transformation in a marriage. It was negative transformation that always had me terrified of the bitter marriages that I feared when I was younger.

It never occurred to me to question the dark miracle that transformed love into harshness and bitterness. Yet I was unable to accept the possibility that the first heat of love could be transformed into something positive that was actually deeper and more meaningful than the heat of fresh passion. All I could believe in was the power of this passion and the fear that when it cooled I would be left with something lesser and bitter. But there is positive transformation as well. Like negative transformation, it results from a slow accretion of little things. But instead of death by a thousand blows, it is growth by a thousand touches of love. Two histories intermingle. Two separate beings, two separate presence, two separate consciousnesses come together and share a view of life that passes before them. They remain separate, but they also become one.

There is an expansion of awareness, not a closure and a constriction, as I had once feared. This is not to say that there is not tension and there are not traps. Tension and traps are part of every choice of life, from celibate to monogamous to having multiple lovers. Each choice contains within it the lingering doubt that the road not taken somehow more fruitful and exciting, and each becomes dulled to the richness that it alone contains.

But only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and be leavened by the knowledge that two have chosen, against all odds, to become one.
Those who live together without marriage can know the pleasure of shared company, but there is a specific gravity in the marriage commitment that deepens that experience into something richer and more complex. So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush into it for the wrong reasons. It is an act of faith and it contains within it the power of transformation.

If you believe in your heart that you have found someone with whom you are able to grow, if you have sufficient faith that you can resist the endless attraction of the road not taken and the partner not chosen, if you have the strength of heart to embrace the cycles and seasons that your love will experience, then you may be ready to seek the miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace of a marriage well made is worth your patience. When the time comes, a thousand flowers will bloom... endlessly.

Princess Hours

2007-02-19T23:29:00.000+08:00

koreanovelas make me smile. make me sigh.make me wish that the reel is real.
make me laugh. it tickles my heart. strokes my fancy and makes me fall in love without failure.

blame it on my sister.
if addiction to koreanovelas is dangerous, then K and i are full-blown cases that is beyond de-contamination.

but i'm more choosy.
i go for the ones that tread the romantic-comedy pathways.

Kim Sam Soon. My Girl. Full House. Attic Cat. Love Story In Harvard...
and now, Princess Hours.

the storyline is really simple.
girl and boy hates each other's guts.
moves in different circles. fancies different taste. poles apart in society's hierarchy.
but Fate butts in, pulls Destiny by the hair. and Love is towed behind.

simple. really. but we just don't care. >wink!<

crashing to sleep beyond the normal hours (please, define normal to us)...defiant to part with our blankets when the clock screams 7am...that when the hands of time strikes the quarter pose, we're the very picture of chaos - running around to stomp the last of our stuff in our bags and planting our dear uncle a hurried mano in an effort to beat the office's grace period.

all because of staying late.
all because of Princess Hours.

are we complaining? not a bit. hehehehe

p.s.
am going to Davao this March...and J said he's going to introduce me to a Prince Gian look-a-like...please pray that i won't do something foolish, like give the guy a hug? hahahahaha

post Valentine musings.

2007-02-15T23:32:00.000+08:00

I have never observed commercialism at its peak, until this year’s Valentine’s Day.
Sure I’ve been one of those faithfuls who once made that pilgrimage to Dangwa – Manila’s flower mecca – to buy my mom her fave blooms (this year, I bought her a box of Quaker Oats granola bar, same saccharine dosage but half the calories), but this year’s spell of the V-Day surely had everyone frenzied, double time.

Costs of flowers skyrocketed to eye-popping figures. Premium seats to concerts were sold out. Hotels, motels and inns enjoyed brisk bookings and romantic movies surely kept the box office tills banging and ringing. Radio airwaves played a heavy traffic of tunes – ranging from the sentimental to bubblegum pop to achingly alternative. Heck, even the newspapers are thickly inked with everything that is Valentine’s…but I did enjoy that pull-out on love quotes and lines from the movie. Hehehehe
What can I say? I’m a romantic through and through.

I woke up to 15 SMS eager to be popped open and read, all containing greetings and love thoughts – whether it was an original composition or another forwarded snippet, I could only care less. The thing is a lot of people wanted to make me feel special and thought of on the day wherein the “uncoupled” (plain talk:SINGLEs) are either grossly ignored or simply pitied.

I swear, the mad rush (before and) during Valentine’s is starting to give me the creeps.
And it’s not envy, I’ve had my fair share of special V-Day episodes.
It’s just that I’ve noticed that the meaning of “valentine” has been grossly blighted and one’s barometer of “love” is reduced to envious shrills and thrills after receiving a flower bouquet or a box of sweets.

Personally, I think flowers are ultimately romantic…receiving them has always given me the shivers, almost ethereal. Chocolates or whatever sweets that comes with it are welcome bonuses. Both have been muted symbols of affection that is rampantly displayed especially on the love month of February.

Personally, I think, men should not only give flowers and chocolates to their loves during V-Day. Each time spent with their girl friends and important female figures in their lives should be V-Day. Women, I think, should not limit their partner’s affection to perfumed blooms, cute teddies or sweets, maybe it’s high time to acknowledge the small things that guys do but frequently overlooked.

But then, that’s just me.

***000***

It has been said that love transcends all; that the abstraction of this powerful emotion knows no time and is bordered by no boundaries; that love even challenges what is unconventional; that love, which rests in a lover’s heart has a language of its own, and only heart understands it best; that love, for all of its brazen simplicity remains a mystery; that love conquers all.

While some might scoff at the seemingly string of mush, I beg no apologies. You have to agree, there is an undercurrent of truth streaming from it.

Fate? Destiny? Hmmm..it’s time to get up and stop smelling the roses.
Best to acknowledge that the pretty blooms have thorns that pricks the flesh and paves the way for a bloody bleeding.

Hahaha

I saw this item in one of the major dailies on Heart’s Day itself.
One study showed that a good percentage of the population believes in the adage love is blind.
True.

Another sidebar revealed that the torpe guys gets the girls.
True.

That the quiet guy who at times act as the bridge in a courtship (that is yet to bloom, but already has the makings of a disaster) often ends up with the girl in target.

Why? Because individuals are drawn to the needy, the helpless, the seemingly harmless, hapless creature (who would rather be perpetually veiled in the cloud of angst and worries, becoming the emotional vampires that we should really be wary of…unless the ‘torpe’ guy shakes off his constant neediness and grow eggs for a change, but then that’s me) that is the torpe guy.

Why? Because Pinoys are an emotional lot, especially the women.

But Bo Sanchez has the answer, a most beautiful answer in his book How to Find Your One True Love…in a gist, he shared that finding that special someone meant exerting effort in doing so.

Unlike manna from heaven, “my guy” simply won’t fall from the sky.

We should not be looking for the one who’s our exact opposite, because the fleeting fanciness of finding something we do not have in us might cost a heartbreak that knows an unnamed hurt and throbs beyond what is painful.

So, will I fall for a torpe guy? Possible. Especially if it’s Michael Scoffield in line.
Hahahahaha

Nah, seriously?
Tulad nga ng palagi naming pinag-uusapan ni Mamushka, pagkatapos ng mga kanta at tula, kailangan mo ng makakasama, makakausap, makakatawanan at iintindihin ka lalong-lalo na ‘pag dumating ang puntong maski sarili mo ay ‘di mo na maintindihan.

Besides, we should know better, ayt, Chelot?
=)

sandalan.

2007-02-01T17:25:00.000+08:00

Kanina pa kitang pinagmamasdan
Mukha mo’y di maipinta
Malungkot ka na naman
Kanina pa kitang inaalok nang
Kuwentuhang masaya
Parang sa’yo’y balewala

Sandali nga
Teka lang
May nakalimutan ka
Di ba’t pwede mo akong iyakan

Sige lang
Sandali ka na
At wag mong pipigilan
Iiyak mo na ang lahat sa langit
Iiyak mo lang ang lahat sa akin

Andito lang ako naghihintay
Lagi mong tatandaan
Di ka naman nag-iisa
Andito lang ako makikinig sayo
Sa buong magdamag
Sa’kin di ka balewala
Sige lang
Sige lang
sige lang

iloilo dinagyang!

2007-01-29T19:08:00.000+08:00

i was back in the nose-shaped island of Iloilo for the GMA's pre-Dinagyang celebration event of which the Kapuso artists were a part of.
once more, i was reconciled with Iloilo's beautiful people and the very warm members of its local press...

the pictures are better left to speak for itself.

with SunStar Iloilo's editor Ms. Kathy Villalon-SIngco and Kapatid na Mon Salvilla who was kind enough to tour me to Jaro's beautiful Cathedral, the now-famous Capitol and Museo ng Iloilo.

here with the various writers and editors of the local papers.

night out!

on the streets of Iloilo! hahahahaha

more island-adventures, i hope. minus the workload soon!

si kuya cois.

2007-01-25T17:36:00.000+08:00

this is a post that has been long overdued....

two days (i think) before Christmas Day when i happened to drop by the media center...the hub for reporters covering the poc-psc beat..i was brimming with enough smiles that would put the Baywalk's lamposts to shame.
when i opened MC's well-badgered door, i saw kuya Cois inside.
i found myself beyond smiling.

he was sweaty and flushed, the perfect picture of a basketball tourney aftermath.

i went on tiptoe to give him a beso, but he gave me a big hug,
"how are you?are you okay?"...

i swear. i tried not to cry.

somewhere between the then of the 12 months that have past and the now when i was locked in this man-child's embrace, sudden rush of thoughts and images flooded me all at once. threatening to knock the wind out of me. and i felt warm.

it was that kind of hug that offers solace. security.
it was the kind of embrace that underlines a silent promise - that at times of piercing melancholy, one is not alone.

it was a tangible affirmation of better things to come.
and somehow, being with two of the best guy buds in the calling i once practiced,
i felt a sliver of peace and bliss settled in my core.

i'm good. i'm okay, i told him. and he looked me straight into my eyes. and i smiled. and i found my voice. much stronger. coming in a fluid blast.

"i'm okay kuya."
"fyi, i'm now dating," i winked at him.
furiously trying to hid my embarassment. given a fraction more, i would have cried....happily though. but it was good that i was able to blink back the tears.

it felt great to be with them...even if only for a while.

i've always had this tough facade. nothing could make me blink. no one could make me cry. i could take care of myself. i'm the best person to vent one's frustrations with. the most reliable shoulder to cry on. i have this rather fascinating ability to shut down on my personal issues and attend to other person's needs first. lend time to others, rather than confront my own concerns.

maybe, that's why when i've had my fill of everyone's shit, some are shock to know that i am capable of crying.

well, newsflash!!! I'm also human.
i breathe. i feel. i laugh. i get hurt. i smile. i get disappointed.
i fall in love.
i cuss. i curse.

while some thinks i'm a mutant, well i have my weakness too.
even Superman has his Kryptonite moments right?

si Kuya Cois idol ng lahat. kuya ng lahat. gustong i-please ng halos lahat ng bagitong kilala ko.
madalas siyang busy. madalas siyang maraming kausap. marami siyang kaibigan. marami siyang ka-jam. marami siyang drinking buddy. coffee body.
pero nung time na hinug niya ako, naramdaman ko, 'yung sincere concern niya...

i felt a rekindled bond.
something that must've been blurred by the daily grind perhaps, the infrequency of our meetings, the sparse test messages/emails/calls.

but it was just great to see him again.

i think i've fallen....

2007-01-22T12:22:00.000+08:00

i think i've fallen, fallen in love with you...

i have fallen for her charms.
the warmth of her smile that seems to echo in every soul that litters her glittery street...the way her face lits up with the yawning of a new day...the softness of her voice that comes in singsong fluidity speaks of home.

i have fallen for her charms.
indeed, i am Cebu lovesick.

this is me, on top of RGMA station wherein i enjoyed an overview of the city and the immediate lush greenery that borders the station's mountainside.

the weekend that has just passed, was my first on the Queen City of the South.
and i believe i haven't paid enough homage to its colorful, culture-rich court.

it was the first time i have stepped on its charming shores but in less than five minutes i have breathed its air, i silently made i pact with myself.
i shall come back for a visit that will know no time, no deadline, no pressure, no re-booking hassles.

i am intensely enamored.
the city pulsates with so much life. and yet, it dictates an almost laidback pace.
it quietly speaks of its history, and proudly parades its religion.
and yet, it has embraced so much advancement and has become the very picture of progress in the South.

sigh. what is Cebu without experiencing Sinulog?
i know. it's a regret i'm bound to nurse in the coming days. but my hands are tied and my time is not mine to ticky by. in my heart of hearts, i know i shall be back in this beautiful city which i have yet to explore, and yet the thrill of re-discovering on my next visit is enough to send a thousand sliver of pleasure running up and down my spine.

as i was walking down the ramp towards the boarding area, soft splinters of the morning light damped a welcome warmth on my cheeks. and i simply smiled. i think, it's Cebu's way of comforting me...that it's just a plane ride away, if i feel like visiting it again.

i felt a tender aching, as i remembered i was not able to visit not even one of the city's beautiful churches. i sighed. one day, i shall be back on this island of a thousand smiles. where beautiful people abound and sampling great food comes as a bonus.

in less than a minute, my plane has roared to life.
bound for Manila, i can't sleep. Cebu flits in and out of my head. unmindful of the plane's hum and the stream of chatter wafting in and out my consciousness, i'm already planning of my next trip to the island.

i know, i have tattooed Cebu in my mind.

the beautiful Cebu Press with Angel Locsin.

guilty.

2007-01-11T11:10:00.000+08:00

it's the second week of the first month of the year.
and i am already guilty of breaking some promises i've made to myself.
that i should be straying away - as in with a 10-foot-pole , from junk foods. but what do i do?

yesterday while deciphering graphs and figures for a report (that's long overdue, not my fault really) i decided to take a break and make a beeline for the elevator.
i took a quick trip to our grocery where the cashiers greeted me with the kind of smile and casual chit-chat that's bred by my frequent sojourn in that comfy junkie paradise.

bought myself several packs of that darn, yummy, crunchy Bread Pans, tossed a bag of all-time cheesy Mr. Chips and that all-too-familiar fire-engine colored bag of Chippy.
sigh. heaven.

one guilt pleasure that i've promise to deny myself of, beginning Sunday of this week.
not until i've earned it of course.

sheesh.
i could feel the brunt of my unhealthy options when i started my gym class.
sheesh.
i'm not exactly a pro when it comes to dancing, but i know and was confident that i could hold my ground when it comes to storming the dancefloor.
last night, i was beyond disbelief! punyeta.
i couldn't believe that i couldn't make a decent body wave. well, i tried. but i must've looked like Marshmallow Man in his pitiful execution of the slide.
after the session, i huddled with Mommy B - a senior semi-regular gym bud and C who's about my age and JC our dance instructor.
there we were a quartet of whining jammers who are cursing to high heavens the loads of carbs, sweets and junk food we've stuffed ourselves with - but of course, it was with a good laugh.

and a round of good laugh we had even as the combat started.
the instructor was really nice.
with every jab that i've unleashed comes a muttered oath and curse that i should really listen to my body anew. why, i couldn't even do those muay thai jumps and kicks with the kind of fury that i used to execute!!!!

arrrrghhhh!!!!!!
did i mention that i'm guilty of promises broken? yes, you've read it all.
it's piggin' out twice over.
so there.

Paris.

2007-01-03T17:34:00.000+08:00

while skimming through the mountain of newspaper back issues, i came across this piece on Paris. see, i have this habit of detaching the Sports and Life section of the Business Mirror as i find its foreign feature pieces a worthy read....and so came this material about Paris, written by a Pinay journalist.

scanning the prose, i cannot help but sigh.
for even before my mind could comprehend swirl of images and flavor that the author is trying to feed me, my mind and heart is racing towards that City of Lights, also dubbed by not a few couple as City of Romance --- Paris.

there's something with Paris that i cannot quite put my finger on.

while there are a lot of beautiful and breathtaking places i have yet to set on my beautiful Philippines, i crave for that moment wherein i'd be taking in Paris' magic - perhaps, next to Spain ( my boss, R, has promised to get that Real Madrid jersey with BECKHAM's name emblazoned on it when he comes back!) and Italy's enchantment....

maybe it has something to do with these country's old world charm and the soulful nostalgia it is capable of waxing...all powerfully reverberating, even at the mere mention of its name....the arts, the lights, the feeble throbbing that tickles the romantic in me even at the slightest, briefest moment of conjuring it inside my head.

Paris.

one day soon i shall be taking a stroll on its avenues...sipping cappuccino on its cafe al fresco...taking that Musee Louvre pilgrimage, inhaling the art works of the Rennaisance Geniuses and the masters of art that the country has produced...sigh....

'till that day....i'll always have Paris in my head...and on my DVD. >wink!<

new year!

2007-01-02T17:39:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year!

boy, am I glad that it's 2007!!!!

methinks i'm the solid, tangible proof of hitting rock-bottom then resurfacing with a fresher perspective on things.stronger.better. constantly evolving to become the best person i could be.

this year, i shall rock the world anew. i shall be bouncin' with renewed vigor.

2006 was something else. while it was not exactly a bad year, it was a period in my existence which I'd promptly and properly tagged as a year of healing...just like what I've predicted to D on Christmas Eve of 2005.

it's like a phase wherein you get to rebuild yourself after a series of tornadoes flatten you out....a period wherein you get to rejuvenate your deflated bearings after carrying a ton of emotional baggage that has almost sucked the very life of you...a period of purging wherein you allow every particle of negative energy, vibes, ill thoughts and feelings be siphoned off your system - from the tips of your toes to the very tip of your hair follicle...'twas a time of self-rediscovery and reconciliation...a time to re-check one's spiritual connections and practice.

wow! 2006 was one heck of an interesting year.

not once have I faltered in my belief that I'd survive it, but it's undergoing that arduous process of recovery that had my patience really stretching into impossible limits.

but i did.
it was a surreal experience.
a catharses that had literally and figuratively grazed my knee.

yes. you read it right. "catharses". plural.

and I survived.

love.life.fate.

2007-01-02T17:09:00.000+08:00

love knows no distance
life knows no limist
fate knows no boundaries
...BARCELONA

it's the most wonderful time of the year!

2006-12-24T11:31:00.000+08:00

Gloria in excelsis deo.

at kahit hindi Pasko, tayo ay magbigayan....

A Blessed Christmas to you....=)

heraclitus.

2006-12-21T16:56:00.000+08:00

it is in changing that we find our purpose....Heraclitus

i have never encountered so many crossroads in my life.
it seems as if i have found myself entangled in a web of pause-and-think, wait-and-see, stop and go.

i have let it slip...close friends and now to you - who have been silently reading my blog, that December is a month of discernment for me....

i have appended something new to this month of merry-making, nippy mornings, lights blinking perpetually until the day's light snatches its very life....it's a month which i must cautiously tread and patiently live...weigh things that have been cramping my head for some months now....

i would be taken aback with the small spurts of affirmation that i'd encounter every now and then..and it's always a warm, vaporous feeling that i'd be awashed with....

and then Gil Grissome would hit me, "it is in changing that we find our purpose".

maybe, i have known my purpose all along...and the surrealness of my current existence only affirms the need to come back to the one thing that has kept me alive....

hangin' out with the boys....

2006-12-18T17:58:00.000+08:00

last Friday, i had two parties to attend.
it was Ms. Beth's bday and she was given a bash by Ms. Mia Concio. coolness.

just when i thought i'd spend the rest of my stay counting the leaves of grass, i got sandwiched by these cool guys.

whew. 'steeg.

stream of consciousness

2006-12-18T10:28:00.000+08:00

31 may 2006
wednesday

stream of consciousness.

In between the floating tears and whispering smiles, I saw your voice.
In between the gaps and pauses, I caught my laugh and was surprised to share
yours. The period between then and now amused me, was humbled and it held
me in awe.

The streaming pool of liquid verse that has escaped me, now has the
semblance of words. The periodic throbbing of jangled smiles now cascades in a
waterfall of laughter.

Amused.
Humbled.

In tempered period, I fall in step with the cadence of each word.

In awe.
For how, in the brevity of the moment can two souls find peace in silence?
How, in a wink of time can a laugh be shared and exhaled almost simultaneously?
In sync. In tuned. In stride.

gregarious.

2006-12-15T16:13:00.000+08:00

gregarious.

someone described me as gregarious.
i like it. >wink!<

chicken soupie!

2006-12-15T12:48:00.000+08:00

chicken soupie!

i'm now a proud owner of this book.
>imagine my smile going on a 360 degree turn!<>smile< >wink!<>
i love it. really.

---o0o0o0o0o---

When you speak, your words echo only across the room or down the hall. But when you write, your words echo down the ages.
Bud Garner, Chicken Soup For the Writer's Soul
a prelude to the text written by Kris Mackay

---o0o0o0o0o0o---

huddled on my bus seat, I was reading Mackay's entry.
i was warmed with the text, much more with the title of her piece -- Writing Is My Destiny.
after finishing the piece, i smiled.
i slightly bowed my head. closed my eyes. and sighed.
i was oblivious to the the incomprehensible babble that the bus radio's been spitting.
the text tilted anew the drum of volatile emotions i've been carrying for some time now...
that small voice whispered anew...writing is your destiny.
the voice, for all of its softness and smallness, echoed inside my head, reverberated throughout my body and i shudder at its comforting warmth.

i try not to cry as i compose this entry.
i try to blink out the stinging from the peripherals of my eyes.
i cannot afford to shed tears. in broad daylight. inside my cube.

i miss writing. i miss the dynamics of an actual coverage. personal interview. sketching people and events as it unfold.

but it doesn't mean i'm not enjoying my job now. i do. i love my bosses and the people who make me smile every time i step my toes in the sometimes slippery floors of the PR world.

somehow, this stolen moments of bloggin comforts me.
still, nothing beats a nice journal and pen...but then, it has become a luxury together with the time of solitude it demands...
blogging is both a challenge and skill...hehehe
you try to compress your thoughts as it comes in a rush...can it in words and save it in this seemingly pitless portal of (semi-)private niche of the cyberspace. you try to cramp everything before the clock bids you to stop as the boss is well on his way back from lunch.

hay...another serving of chicken soupie please? (",)

some...

2006-12-14T14:14:00.000+08:00

some people don't deserve your company. they don't deserve to be around people at all.
some people don't deserve your friendship. they don't deserve to have friends at all.
some people don't deserve a micro-second of your time.
they don't have worth in the first place.

some people don't deserve to be heard. the words they blurt do not hold weight as compared to a spit on the ground. their voice are a waste of sound.

some people are real and then some are just a waste of flesh.
some people can be a jaw-dropping looker, but then, that's all they had.
just a another pretty face on the surface, minus a smudge of brain underneath.
and then they'd get into thinking they're profound.
wow. some people.

reliving the 80s.

2006-12-14T12:31:00.000+08:00

i'm suffering from a Christmas party hangover.
not because i had downed one too many alcohol bevs - fact is, i only had two glasses of red wine - but because i'd like to wear my 80s get-up a tad bit longer....
and of course, i'd want to get my share of snooze completely.

i have to finish two column feeds and get that three feature drafts goin'...
but my brain's a mush and i'm dreaming of Prisonbreak's Michael Scoffield right at this moment....

sigh.

-----

last night's party was cool.
twas something i really enjoyed even if i was rushing from one end to another and hopping from one table to the next.

i'm tired so, might as well let the pix do the talking.

together with the rest of the girls inside the bathroom.
we love our shoes! ehehehe

mga katatapos lang mag-make-up. and for an amateur like me, not bad.
special thanks to Ate Unis. >wink!<

feeling high school musical!

panalo di ba?!

pang-kulit. kasama ang kapatid ko sa QTV.
sabi ng aming mudra, si Ms.A, pang-Starstruck! hahahahaha

buti na lang wala si Big Boss nang kunan kami ni Ate Friezy sa hallway. hehehehe
kundi, mapapasubo siya sa amin. kakaririn ko ang pagpapa-picture with him in my 80s get-up!

with the MB family. saya!

one of the boys, again?! hahahahaha

with the beautiful entertainment press.

eto pa ang pang-kulit.

at isa pa! hahahahaha

it was a great night.

the parking lot was not spared!

i love the 80s! ahahahahahay

dandruff-free.

2006-12-13T15:12:00.000+08:00

when you're free from dandruff, you're free to shine.

this came as an echo, a fraction of a second before i start my suppossedly entry.
i laughed - not because of the outright truth that the statement blinks, but moreso i was struck with the probably metaphor it suggests.

----

has it ever crossed your mind, how some individuals are no different from a dandruff-flake?
you're smiling. and it's not even a joke.
seriously. some people must have been born with the specs of that obnoxious scalp itchiness embedded in their genetic blueprint. hah.

define dandruff.

Webster said it's a noun. it refers to scales of skin on the scalp, under the hair and scurf.
hmmm...pretty vague. let's try Mr. Wiktionary.
He defined it as scaly white dead skin flakes from the human scalp.

hmmm..and when skin cells lose its vitality, it becomes dead. it becomes hard. crusty. flaky. and dreadfully itchy.

pretty much like individuals who have lost their sense of purpose, sense of responsibility and self-reliance. they merely depend on other people to think, to pre-determine their wants. hence, it's little wonder that what's left within their system is a diluted grasp of philosophies and literature - not to mention the values and principles - that had once made our country the envy of our neighbors.

day in, day out, you could see individuals reduced to an almost dandruff-like state - flamboyantly passive, obnoxious, stubbornly stagnant.

dandruff's a sore sight in one's head. not exactly the kind of crowning glory that any long-haired person would like to nurture.

and anyone whose acting like such is not exactly the kind of individual that this country needs.

i attended my mom's Gawad Dangal event last Tuesday and they had the founder of Gawad Kalinga as one of the guest speaker. i was struck with three things that he shared with the audience.

one, that we should demand greatness from within ourselves.
two, that we should demand greatness from others.
three, that we should thank God for being Filipinos.

needless to say, the guy remains steadfast in his belief that Filipinos, our brown-skinned race, is one of the greatest race that Mother Earth nurtures.

i believe him.

that's why i urge you to shake off that flaky attittude.
go dandruff-free, if you know what i mean. >wink!<

i don't need...

2006-12-11T20:02:00.000+08:00

i don't need the silence of the dawn for affirmation that it's another Christmas spent without you...you who is yet to be named..yet to be unmasked...yet to be called..yet to be met.

the chill trace of December's frosty tips is enough.
and yet, surprisingly, i feel warmed.
with the thought, in passing, in a blink, in its brevity...that somewhere, you are just there.

awaiting for happenstance perhaps. beckoning serendipity. or chancing on that right cadence of time.

the craziness of packed malls, of stiffling bazaars, of repulsive traffice does little to disconcert me from feeling a sense of bliss.
and it was not even fleeting.
it came on a Monday mid-afternoon. in between instructions. finding its comfortable spot in a wedge of Christmas PArty discussion.
floating over my head. wafting through my unbinded tresses. whispering into my ears. tickling my lids. tugging at my lips.

it forced its way from the corners of my soul. dribbling into my belly. through my heart.pouring out of my mouth.

i smiled.

it's the thought of You that's unhaunting me..rather, falling in a steady throb with my thoughts that had me smiling....

it had me smiling...on a cloudy, windy day.

skimming...

2006-12-11T18:09:00.001+08:00

skimming through my blog, i noticed two comments from dear friends. and it made me smile.
especially....'wag na nga lang...hehehehehe

but it's nice to note that another person's skimming through my thoughts. whether out of boredom, plain curiosity or just for props --- i don't mind. it's just nice that someone's spending sometime reading my thoughts, be it in silence or aloud.

hmmmm....

it's raining outside.
it's yesterday's leftover and i really don't mind..
--- even if it had the edges of my pants dripping when i reported for work.
--- even if it pooled nasty puddles i had to avoid,one of which nearly causing me to trip all over my face.
--- even if i nearly slid and almost landed on my bumpers. thank good for my humps. hehehe

i love it when it rains.
and just a few hours ago, i listened to a borrowed CD (i won't name the collection, lest i'd be giving competition free publicity..hehehe) which contained one of my fave songs - "Tuwing Umuulan"...hmmmm

wala lang...i just happen to like the song.
and i also happen to like the rendition of the dude who's giving it his own interpretation.
it was smooth. suave. sincere.
minus the vocal pyrotechnics that some artists have taken the liberty to experiment with.

"...minsan pa ulan bumuhos ka 'wag nang tumigil pa. dalhin mo ma'y bagyo dalangin ito ng puso..sumasamo..pag-ibig ko'y umaapaw...damdamin ko'y humihiyaw sa tuwa...tuwing umuulan at kapiling ka..."

hmmmm...

skimming...

2006-12-11T18:09:00.000+08:00

skimming through my blog, i noticed two comments from dear friends. and it made me smile.
especially....'wag na nga lang...hehehehehe

but it's nice to note that another person's skimming through my thoughts. whether out of boredom, plain curiosity or just for props --- i don't mind. it's just nice that someone's spending sometime reading my thoughts, be it in silence or aloud.

hmmmm....

it's raining outside.
it's yesterday's leftover and i really don't mind..
--- even if it had the edges of my dripping when i reported for work.
--- even if it pooled nasty puddles i had to avoid,one of which nearly causing me to trip all over my face.
--- even if i nearly slid and almost landed on my bumpers. thank good for my humps. hehehe

i love it when it rains.
and just a few hours ago, i listened to a borrowed CD (i won't name the collection, lest i'd be giving competition free publicity..hehehe) which contained one of my fave songs - "Tuwing Umuulan"...hmmmm

wala lang...i just happen to like the song.
and i also happen to like the rendition of the dude who's giving it his own interpretation.
it was smooth. suave. sincere.
minus the vocal pyrotechnics that some artists have taken the liberty to experiment with.

"...minsan pa ulan bumuhos ka 'wag nang tumigil pa. dalhin mo ma'y bagyo dalangin ito ng puso..sumasamo..pag-ibig ko'y umaapaw...damdamin ko'y humihiyaw sa tuwa...tuwing umuulan at kapiling ka..."

and nope. i am not in love...well, at least not in the romantic sort of way.
why is it that (most) people would associate a woman's beauty (in bloom) as to being romantically in love? that someone from the opposite sex is making her feel aglow?

it's weird. really.
can't we look pretty just because we are happy? because we are deluged with happy thoughts? because a nice song is playing?

hmmmm...

waxed off Season One.

2006-12-11T11:58:00.000+08:00

i have just finished Prison Break's Season One, and i can't wait to start Season Two's serving.
to declare that the series is a must-see piece would be highly presumptuous of me. especially since i am no tv addict/syndicated canned shows connoisseur (sh*t, did i spell it right?! hahaha) and - without shame - biased.

sigh. my siblings and i together with our dear Tito Jr. enjoyed a good laugh when the last scene of Prison Break's Season Finale dotted off our screen.

whew! our latenight rendezvous with Michael and Scofield was surely titilliating.
and we all can't wait for the Christmas break to get kickin' so that we could thoroughly enjoy Season 2 without major glitches --- work next day, school, chores et. al, that it is with a heavy heart that we had to call off the next episode.

hehehehehehe

Season 2 and here's what to expect!!!!

and of course, more gorgeous servings of the Miller hunk..a.k.a. Michael Scoffield.

mmmhmmmm....>wink!<

love at first sight of prison.

2006-11-30T12:59:00.000+08:00

i can't help myself. it was love at first sight.
i was about to leave the stall of one of my suki in Quiapo yesterday, wherein, together with my bosses, we bought stacks of DVD goodies. hehehehe

when the guy manning the shop asked if i want "Prison Break" and readily flashed me the copy. when i caught glimpsed of the cover, i was beyond enchanted.
who wouldn't be?

if i'd be sentenced to serve my term with this beautiful specimen of the opposite sex, definitely, I WOULDN'T MIND!!!!

hi there, cellie! how about a welcome hug?!!!

sigh.
and my heart could not even tuck itself under my sleeves.

i couldn't wait for my mom's and bro's fave tv flick to end, that when the closing credits finally rolled, i turned on the player and fed the PrisonBreak disc.
and i was in heaven!

to say that Wentworth Miller is hot would be the major understatement of the century!

he is a demigod!
the story was just unfolding. but even before i was able to ingest the plot, it's definite:
Miller, a.k.a. Michael Scofield, has just elbowed his way on top of my very short list of guys who look good with shaven-slash-near-shaven-heads and with tattoos.

sexy...

very sexy...

very, very, sexy....

Royal Sexiness...

insanely hot stud!

so help me Lord!

this one got some dude confused.

2006-11-23T13:12:00.000+08:00

i am not your normal femme.
and this i say without apologies.
i am damn special in ways more than one.
and only special people outside my family circle know and appreciate my unique existence.

just today, at mid-morning, i found an officemate's remark rather amusing.

"Barbs, nagtataka na ako sa'yo ha. boxing, tapos ngayon gusto mo namang mag-motor," he noted as we were crossing the short distance between the bank and our office complex, dodging cars and smokes at the same time.

it came after i nonchalantly blurted that i could spend the 174K tucked inside my Vietnamese bag in a day. i'd buy a motorcyle. it doesn't matter that i'm not initiated in the basics and dynamics of driving one, but i'm buying one. hehehehe

i smiled.
slightly amused at the thought that i got this dude confused with my sexuality.
hahahaha

as if my gender is something that he should be adding to his list of workload.
nyahahaha

lesbian i am not. and i have nothing against homosexuals.

am perfectly in touch with my feminine side and i am comfortable with the thought and concept that i enjoy testosterone-driven sports-slash-hobbies more than an average Juana could possibly take.

i like wearing stillettos (i've got five three-inched heels and counting!) and skirts, inasmuch as i'm comfortable with sneakers and crosstrainers.
i like skirts, blouses and baby-tees, inasmuch as i love wearing cargos, shorts and sandos.
i like dangling earrings - the longer the better!
and i'm starting to like sweeping a nice blush on my cheeks!
but i also like breaking a sweat by boxing - something i'm really aching to go back, cycling - my current passion, and running (soccer game!).

so, i think it's bordering on shallowness to pin on someone's activities as a gender barometer.

did i had u confused as well? >wink!<

post script.

2006-11-18T17:54:00.000+08:00

ahem.
a visit to the block's fully-booked surely dented my mental foreplay on the 101 ways i could enjoy my dream wish list.

sigh.

i've made a note on the books i would love to receive from friends this Christmas...

1. dear john, nicholas sparks (please, i want the hardbound one....please?)
2. a bridge across forever, richard bach (someone borrowed this precious from me and i'm sure after reading it, the creature wouldn't want to part with it anymore..)
3. spinning straw into gold, joan gould
4. the devil and ms. prym, paolo coelho
5. zahir, paolo coelho
6. memoirs of my melancholy whore, gabriel garcia marquez
8. the count of monte cristo, alexandre dumas

there you go...
kindly make a note on this blog on whichever title you wish to give me so that i won't have double copies of the book...>wishing talaga!<

i love you friends. >wink!<

christmas wish ramblings.

2006-11-17T10:09:00.000+08:00

it's christmas.
literally, i could feel it on my toes! and i kid you not.
i can't believe how hard it is for me to haul up my ass and part with my pillows these past few days. the less-than-nippy morning cold is getting all too wonderfully...well, cold for me that it makes me reach for my blankie and snuggle more into my pillow-coccoon.
sigh.
I LOVE CHRISTMAS.
it's my all-time favorite time of the year. second to my birthday.
and nope, it has nothing to do with presents.
come to think of it, in my 27 years of existence, i don't have a mountain of presents to boast of. only a maximum outflow of cash come this season as i have this tendency to really splurge on food and gifts, especially to my love ones.

and i'm not bragging. it's just me thinking out loud.

methinks yesterday's late afternoon activity hasn't totally evaporated from my mind yet.
the pre-closing adrenaline rush over our 'small office party' has intensely rubbed on a contagious kind of cheer.

we're all agog with our respective wish list that we tacked on our whiteboard.
our wish list for those peeps who have blindlessly picked our name from the cutesy makeshift bowl that Ate Friesy has passed around, and are imposed to receive gifts from on the 8th of December. hahaha

wishes ranging from a guitar, DVD copies of fave movies, CDs, flowers and IL POSTINO books sparsely peppered our whiteboard which is usually scribbled with CorpComm's events for the week/month.

scanning it anew just this morning just made me smile. >wink<

i dunno why....Christmas does that to me.
you know...sporting a silly smile just because i feel happy.
and it's one feeling i have sorely missed for quite some time.
I AM HAPPY!

that bubbly, spirited, really happy happy.

hmmmm....
maybe, it won't hurt to jot down my Christmas wish list.
hey, i'm all out for WORLD PEACE, LOVE, END OF POVERTY AND CORRUPTION stuff.

just let this poor urbanite wiggle out of corporate reality okay? >wink<

hmmmm...lemme see....

1. a copy of Neruda's 100 Love Sonnets and a Song of Despair
2. a really, really nice journal
3. a really, really nice fountain pen
4. a desk lamp
5. a laptop (40 gig, DVD burner/reader, Wi-Fi ready)
6. 30gig iPod
7. Nike backpack
8. Nike Cross Trainers
9. Nike Running Shoes
10. wishing bracelets

i've only got 10 dude...
whew! re-reading it, i laughed silently. of course, who would give me these stuff?

i heart myself.

of course, i could dream right? (",)

ode to a beautiful nude.

2006-11-14T17:30:00.001+08:00

"the moon lives in the lining of your beautiful skin..."
Ode to A Beautiful Nude, Pablo Neruda

waves and stars.

2006-11-14T13:04:00.000+08:00

i really pity those peeps who find hanging out with much older people boring. fact is, there's so much to learn from their stories, behavior, personal issues and stuff that we twentysomething creatures only get to see from the spillings of Bridget Jones' diaries.

it's even nicer that some of the more mature bunch get to hear out our wisecracks and at times heed our advise on things.

last Saturday night, i had the chance to hang out with my ate Carol...well, actually, she's my aunt. considering that my mom and her are first cousins. hehehe still it doesn't matter that much as long as the respect is there, ayt?

there i was bunched with ate carol, her girl (space) friend ate gracie and another family friend, kuya mar. it was like we're the "angels" and our "charlie" is this dude in pink who drove us around in his spanking Ford Lynx. hah!

first stop, RATSKY's. while we waited for the act of K and the boxers, we had to keep ourselves from falling asleep (actually, si ate Grace, nakatulog na sitting down! hahahaha) as this rather forgettable band do their thing. kaya siguro naubos namin ang dalawang plato ng spaghetti bolognese and carbonara! hayun oh! nakikita n'yo ba? actually, akala ko 'di namin mauubos. isang malaking maling akala. dahil habang tumatawag ang aking mga fellow diyosa, inupakan na namin ni kuya mar ang bolognese. and in the word of a true-blue QTV Biyahero (naks! plugging!) certified RAPSA! ini. >wink!< >wink!<>

in fairnez, cutie pie naman 'yung isa sa mga lead vocalists, pero 'pag naka-side view lang. hahahaha >i'm soooo mean!<

after K's set, we paid the bill and left. the night is still young so we goofed a bit on our way to the parking lot. hayan ang mag-best buddies of the night.

kuya mar suggested we troop to Baywalk to get some coffee.
we parked the car and walked, trying to be oblivious to the stares of fellow night owls that had the whole stretch of the boulevard teeming with their presence.
i was tempted to ogle back, but then, there's nothing nice to fix my eyes on so i merely scanned the place while trying to walk on the pocked-faced pavement on my three-and-a-half stillettos.

and just before we reached PICC, we have all agreed to grab the hot brew somewhere else - Blue Wave! Yahoo!!!!!

this time, it was only Kuya Mar who trooped back to the parking lot. saving my fellow goddesses the possibility of spraining their ankles or falling flat on their faces. hehehehe
and while waiting for our "charlie" i pulled out my cam and started clicking away --- >>>with my tita Carol. naks. >>>US Girls! >wink!<
i would've clicked some more but ate Carol would rather have her photos deleted >rolling my eyes<
at the backset of the car, enjoying the space with ate grace, i clicked some more.
there you go. hahahaha

ang layo-layo ng pinuntahan namin, Starvexz din pala ang aming kinabagsakan!
there's kuya mar with the ladies.
us girls again.
and again.
siyempre, this time, katabi naman namin ni ate grace si kuya mar.
>> and then a shot for posterity.

and one of myself. dahil ayaw na magpakuha ni ate Carol. hahaha

it was a little past three when we called it a morn. hahahahaha
who says going out with the more mature crowd is boring? maybe, you're not just attentive enough. >wink!<

financial briefing.

2006-11-10T16:32:00.000+08:00

how does a former journalist prep up for press briefing? hmmm...it depends.
if it's a formal thing, then, once gotta prep really good. >wink!<
besides, i find it exciting nowadays dressing up and splashing some color in my otherwise pale >but definitely not bland<>maputi ako, period. kaya kinakailangan kong mag-make-up lalo na kung may events at mukha akong maputla.hahaha at talagang nag-effort mag-explain?!

everyone was upbeat. the early morn monitoring routine was stalled, albeit, temporarily so that everyone in our department are free to perfect their respective assignments.
and with this brief respite from our reading-cutting-and-pasting routine comes the chaos of which my desk is very much a picture of.
ayos ba? hehehehe
everything was ready, two hours before our comrades from the print media came in by the batches giving us time to clown around a bit and allow our resident photog Kuya Vic to test his lenses on us.

here's ate chat, moi and jhops - goofing. hehehe

the corp.comm. ladies and a gentleman.
and they started to trickle in. enter ms.ian farinas - one of my fave, gamely posing with us at the reception.

so does dondon sermino.
ang kulit. hahahaha

and after all that has been said and done, it's back to my cube again. same as the way i have left it. sigh. messy. chaotic. topsy-turvy.
still, there's plenty of room to smile. and smile. and smile some more.

post R.H.U.M. Halloween Concert musings...

2006-11-10T14:26:00.000+08:00

it was a nice feeling, rockin' the night away with friends you haven't really enjoyed time with for a while...heck, i think the Halloween Eve Party tendered by R.H.U.M. (Rock for Humanity) for a cause was actually the first "gimik" i've had with my friends from a previous work place.
and it was nice to enjoy drinks (iced tea) and munchies with them with the sound of new age rock rollin' in the background.

of course, here's the new couple Xandy and Sarah whom Krissy and I enjoyed introducing to new acquaintances and friends as "mag-boyfriend sila". hahahahaha

the "she-devil" i was hanging out with was really a nice, kikay girl named Grace. Krissy's roomie who, i think really matched my gabbing fit that night. it was a blast. it was one of those rare moments that you meet up with someone and you just fall at ease with them and blab about anything and everything under the sun.

it was a night to remember all right as we all try to justify all the crazy antics we could cough up with to Halloween.

"Ay, 'di pantay ang make-up ko!"
"Okay lang 'yan, Halloween naman eh!"

"Sobrang kulit 'ata natin ngayon 'no?"
"'Steeg lang 'yan, Halloween eh."

In ang pagiging weird. In ang pagiging hyper. Cool ang maging makulit.

Even "Toti" - the vocalist of the 7DaysOff was in high spirits (figuratively and literally, he must have been packing the booze even before their set has started and was downing himself with more beer after their turn was over) and gamely hammed up with us.
coolness.
i even got myself a henna and got a R.H.U.M. pin when my name was drawn out in a raffle.

'steeg.

first halloween party.

2006-11-09T17:51:00.001+08:00

it was my first official halloween party.

minus the trick n' treat part, it was a benefit gig for a cause.

and that what makes it all the more worthwile.

here we are before hitting Malate's well-partied pavement.

and this is the place where we rocked.

to say that we enjoyed the night immensely would be a major understatement.

but more of it later. for now, i have to rush for my class. >wink!<

carbs.

2006-10-30T14:16:00.000+08:00

coming from a cornucopia of sickness --- ranging from inflamed tonsils and fever to nasty cold and stubborn cough, i thought i wouldn't be able to face the day wherein i could inhale normally. sigh. i'm well. i should be happy, right? well, i am.

i'm finally up on my two feet again. smelling the smells (duh!), inhaling this metropolis' gagging fumes and independent when it comes to preparing my meals and eating them.
but what i'm not exactly about is that, my system's back into its carb-craving self.
can't do without my junk food. can't live without my chocolate bar.
and once more, i am back to square one.
trying to strip away the carbs from my regular foodie intake.

syet.
it's pretty much like caffeine withdrawal. and i'm really hurting. huhuhuhu
hehehehehe

well, doin' away with rice is easy.
just wink it off. >wink!< >wink!< >wink!<
it's the sweets that's really piling up the lard in my anatomy.
yikes! not really a pleasant thought. erase. erase.
sigh. it's just not an easy thing. add to this is the infrequent trips i've been making to the gym as of late. sigh.

just gotta get my groove back. gotta get my groove back. gotta get my groove back.

there. typing and saying that phrase three times, hopefully, would rub some effect on me.

"Tarantado"

2006-10-25T19:01:00.000+08:00

'steeg 'tong salitang 'to.
kagabi, pagkatapos naming mag-usap ng friend kong si "T", shempre, magka-text pa rin kami. parang SOP na 'ata 'yun sa mga babae..na kakatapos lang mag-tsikahan ng kung ilang oras, 'di pa rin makuntento at ilalabas at ilalabas ang mobile phone para kutkutin at pumindot ng ilang pahabol pang mensahe.

Tarantado.
iba ang dating ng katagang ito.
malakas. may kakaibang gaspang na akmang-akma sa dapat patungkulan.
nagbatuhan muna kami ng ilan pang text message ni "T".

nagkatawanan.
ramdam ang masidhing pagkakasundo sa paggamit ng naturang kataga.
nakakatuwa. nakakatawa.
matagal ko na ring 'di nagagamit ang katagang 'to ah.
sa katagalan, nanumbalik ang orihinal na kahulugan.

Tarantado.
magaspang ang ugali. may bahid ng kabalahuraan.
bara-bara. bastos. walang pasubali sa matagal nang nakagawian. barubal.
wala akong pakialam kung hindi man ito ang pormal na kahulugan ng salitang 'tarantado'. dahil kahit saan mo man sukatin, ang salitang tinuringan ay kasing-kahulugan din ng "kagaspangan" ng pag-uugali 'di ba?

may mga tao na ganito.
sa katotohanan, marami. 'di lang sandakot.
sandamakmak.
'sang batalyon.

bakit mas nakakapagod ang maupo?

2006-10-25T18:46:00.000+08:00

kakatapos lang ng corporate planning namin. ganun pala 'yun. nakaka-drain. nakakapagod.nakakapiga.nakaka-dehydrate...na kahit sandamakmak na tubig na ata ang nilaklak ko, pagkalabas na pagkalabas ko ng executive lounge, pakiramdam ko, piniga ako ng husto hanggang sa walang nang pumatak na ideya, lakas, salita, opinyon at hininga mula sa aking kaibuturan.

bakit nga ba ganun ang pakiramdam, gayong nakaupo naman kami sa isang komportableng silid. may air-conditioner na banayad na pinalalamig ang kalamnan ng bawat katawang nagpipilit na magpaka-seryoso sa katatapos lang na pagpupulong.

bakit nga ba mas nakakapagod ang maupo?
dahil ba sa limitado ang paggalaw sa pagsusulat, pakikinig, pagtingin sa powerpoint presentation, panaka-nakang pagsagot at pagtango at pag-iling ng mga ulo?
dahil ba sa bigat ng mga nakaambang mga gawain na isa-isang binabalangkas at unti-unting binibigyang diin?
dahil ba sa kaalamang pagkatapos ng pagpupulong, mas matinding trabaho ang nakaabang?

pwede.
lahat ng nabanggit, mangyayari. pipiliting mangyari. at marami pang iba.

movies.

2006-10-13T17:13:00.000+08:00

it's Friday and a little past 5p.m.
i should be on the move now...but heck.
a lot of good movies to watch - Flyboys, Step Up, The Guardian, DOA, The Departed.
so many nice flick, so little time...
hmmm...does this mean i should be spending less time with Gil, Nick and Warren?
hmmm...no way! CSI Vegas marathons are way, way more important. hehehehehehe

pseudo-relationships.

2006-10-12T13:16:00.000+08:00

pseudo-relationships.

i was skimming through my inbox, weeding out the forwarded messages that must've been tucked for God-knows-how long and re-reading emails that would fancy me when i came across this particular missive from an officemate.
pseudo-relationships.

'yung parang kayo pero hindi. sa salitang pangkulit, "mag-un kuno". hehehehehe

and then i smiled at the same time shaking my head.
and it made me recall certain points in my life wherein i've nearly figured in those kinds of situations. recount episodes wherein i've come to realize that maybe i was in that kind of period but i'm not really too keen being sandwiched in such a relationship.

maybe it has something to do with being one of the boys and then again...whatever.

i've always enjoyed good rapport with the opposite sex.
i find them (at least most of them) rather uncomplicated - in as far as eating patterns, movie-watching, wardrobe shopping, beer-drinking, anything-under-the-sun gabbing.
it doesn't matter if i eat twice as much, grab more pizza, down equal amounts of alcohol, wear my most drab clothes or balloon to 160 pounds.

simply put, members of the male species (at least most of them) make good friends.

(of course, this does not mean that i don't have female friends.
i've got a handful and am very happy with their company as well. nothing beats a Girls' Nightout or Pig Out Fridays.)

punto de vista es, most of the guys i've become good friends with are without qualms. straight to the point. sensible without being too frilly.

or maybe it's just because i feel more comfortable around guys.

talking platonic here.
but when guy friends started to act funny that's when one (i) become, well, confused.
and how do they act funny? well, when they started asking and doing stuff that they don't normally do. and then you'd be left wondering why. and before you know it, you're taking that unfamiliar ride to pseudo-relationships with creatures who would hardly qualify as quasi-boyfriends. hah.

pseudo-relationships. yes. maybe, that's what these guys are after.

you're content being the best gal pal-slash-buddy. and then the next thing you know, he's hitting on you, silently nudging the relationship towards the next level. but where?
you don't know. and of course, you wouldn't want to assume so much.

that's why such relationships prosper.

women won't assume something unless men verbalized their thoughts.
and so, "friendship" prospers together with the "extras" that comes with it.

again, giving guys maximum advantage and the femmes maximum potential emotional damage...after all, when pseudo-relationships don't graduate to "official boyfriend-girlfriend thing" guys will always lick that well-used line - "we're just friends".
aminin na natin, babae lagi ang dehado, lalo na kung nagbubulag-bulagan sa nagnanaknak na posibilidad na wala rin namang patutunguhan ang ganitong mga relasyon.

because such relationships only entertains the concept of "you" and "me", never an "us".

it's either the guy is not ready to commit or is in a relationship ("trapped" is the common prefix adjective) and is "just waiting for the right time to break-up".
please. give me a break. the lines are soooooo festering in the gutters together with feline muck, care to be more creative?
but guess what, no break-ups sweetie. why give-up one when he could enjoy the affection of two, right?

because such relationships only entertains the concept of "you" and "me", never an "us".

fellow members of the female species are reduced to human "receptacles".
walking emotional convenient stores.
and the sad part in that, they allow themselves to be.

what's my take in such socio-emotional trappings?
beware. it's not bound to last.
beware. but if you're in for the kilig factor, then go for it. but don't expect too much.
hope for the best, expect the worst.

and when the worst slaps you in the face, don't go around bawling your eyes out.
you should have been forewarned of being burned.
because moths and flame don't really make good company.

scribbles

2006-10-11T17:44:00.000+08:00

"mula ulo hanggang paa, mahal kita" --- Lovestory in Harvard

---o0o---

i look gloomy, so says my fave boss R.
truth is, i'm just tired.
it's almost two weeks since i took a few days off after being pinned to my bed by a bad flu. still, the colds and coughs that came with it hounds me like a stubborn dandruff on my scalp. argh.

my tito kiddied me.
para na daw akong durugista sa dami ng iniinom kong gamit.

yes. been popping pills into my mouth like it's popcorn.
lemme see:

Solmux for my cough, 500 mg.
Revicon, to keep me going, 500 mg.
Ascorbic Acid, to speed up my immune system's recovery, 2,000 mg.

yes. from a healthy no-Vit. taker, i've fastly evolved into a Pill Popper.
and i hate it.
i hate the feeling of being sick. i totally dislike the sound of my scratchy voice.
my nasty cough attack. my embarassing cold.
and i especially don't like the gloomy, bland look that i've been sporting for almost a week now.

my face looks gloomy. my skin does not look healthy.
sheesh. i look like someone who could use a total makeover. and i kid you not.

what's more, work seems to pile before my eyes faster than i could even scribble my latest task inside my head.

corporate slave, that's me.
my mom's worried now. worried that i've been sickly as of late.
if you're in my shoes, i know, you'd understand her.
juggling two responsibilities at the same time is something not for laughs.

before, i used to give my colleague a run for the Employee Who Does Not Need A Sick Leave.
a few days back, i surprised myself when i gave our EA an advisory that i won't be showing up for work. and then repeated the feat on the following day.
whew. talk about having a first time for everything.

but inspite of what happened, i had a good day of rest for myself.

CSI marathons are the best i tell you.

and now i have fallen in love with Nick Stokes. Warrick Brown. and yes, Gil Grissom.

japanese.

2006-09-21T22:31:00.000+08:00

i should be going home now..but the last of my strength has been drained from all the preparations that i've done for the just-concluded dinner presscon we've tendered for the launch of Takeshi Castle.

and so i remain ensconced in my cube.

despite the stress and demands of all the preps, i'm a tad surprised catching myself smiling.
minus the effort to really look nice, the editors were generous in their compliments about my appearance.

stress tabs at work. hahahaha
i found a way to negate the disastrous effects of being workaholic. stress tabs. =P
makes you sleep like a babe throughout the night.
and you wake up feeling totally recharged. ;)

this is my post-dinner press con look. and yes, i did walk into my press con with that labandera twist of hair. the press didn't mind. hahahahah

right now, LOVE STORY IN HARVARD over GMA 7 is currently being aired. cute.
sana, may Dustin pa sa totoong buhay.
at yes naman, tama bang nag-I Love You han sila..nyahahahhahaha
i don't think am making sense...=P
uwi na nga lang ako.

2006-09-06T17:37:00.000+08:00

mornings are especially special when one gets to be greeted by a pint-size angel such as this one...

and trip to malls are made more memorable
when peppered by moments like these...

happy birthday my budidang!

whew.

2006-09-01T17:29:00.000+08:00

just finished QTV's weekly report for the week of August 31 to September 01.
hurray!!! again, i was the first to submit the material - deadline was set on Monday, September 04. whew!

also done with the publicity report for the Finals Campaign of my kids...POP STAR KIDS Five Grand Contenders. second wave set to start next week. gotta get ready my materials for that.

next, tomorrow's interview with musical director Danny Tan and the PSK judges - Nanette Inventor, Cacai Mitra and another one whose name escapes me as of the moment.

next, pre-press conference ngaragan. done with the list, onwards with the bulk of the event.
Extreme Makeover's press con is set for Thursday next week.

hmm...maybe i could launch the second heat of PSK's publicity side by side with it.

next, Pop Star Kids' Grand Finals at SM Mall of ASIA. September 16. no specified time yet.
whew. coverage and post publicity. last heat of the rounds.

next, Takeshi's Castle re-launch with Joey De Leon and Ryan Yllana on the local front with the same Japanese hosts (much, much older this time!). coolness!
dinner press con set for the 19th of September.

whew! so many things to do, with only one fab bod and great brain like mine to do.
tough? nah. to note that the regional publicity is not even included in my list.

for the meantime, let me enjoy my Friday night out.
capisce. >wink<

getting that September high.

2006-09-01T12:38:00.000+08:00

i was pumped early today.
nope, i am not experiencing a sugar rush nor have i just gotten off the gym.
i am a tad perky compared to the few mornings that have passed simply because it's September.

the first of September to be exact. the first day of the first month with "BER".

it's enough to give me that kind of high.

enough to launch a personal text brigade and greet friends a "MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

and why not?
the Philippines is known for celebrating the most-awaited Yuletide season the longest. kicking it off at the onset of September and putting a close to the celebration after the first Sunday of January - The Feast of the Innocents (Los Ninos Inocentes, as my mom would always remind us).

a few friends find it rather absurd. even weird of me to give them a rather 'chirpy' Christmas greeting...roughly three months in advance.

see, Christmas happens to be my most favorite season. i look forward to it than my birthday -not because i get to receive presents, (fact is i only receive few presents, tangible ones. But then am not complaining and that merits another blog entry) but simply because the air has that certain feel about it..almost magical.

it's the time when families arrange get togethers. eat together. laugh together. engage in silly games. exchange gifts. get re-acquainted with second, third (even fourth and fifth!) degree relatives. sleepovers. Christmas bonding for siblings. Christmas outings for cousins.

(actually, it's also the time for the 'oldies' to get the young ones 'roasted' - berate faults, recount shortcomings, in a cheeky loving way of course.
absurd it may seem, but sometimes, one would get into thinking that these reunions are affairs carefully plotted to 'interrogate' and plague the single members of the family...
for single women like me, it's time to work on those callouses when the dreaded gasps and questions such as "so, when are you getting married?", "why don't you find yourself a boyfriend?", "you don't have a boyfriend yet? why?" would suddenly pop all over the place and then all eyes would be on you. yes. why not?
and then it's time to placate them that much as you would want to start a family of your own, Mr. Future seems to be having trouble finding his way to your very doorstep, much more to your heart. yes, this is a familiar scenario. which by the way, not only happens during Christmas but in every family gathering, but the queries would be reaching its feverish pitch especially during Christmas Season. whew! 'nuf said.)

as i was saying, Christmas has that certain air of magic which allows you to be a kid and adult at the same time. allowing one to reminisce yesterday's events and the happenings in the not-so-distant past.

i have always dreamed of myself sitting beside a glowing tall evergreen - with all of its trimmings, candies and glittering balls - sitting side by side with someone special on a cold, nippy morning. i think that's romantic.

and yes, i love Christmas because one can wax nostalgia and romantic and be happy all at the same time.

First Day High?

make mine SEPTEMBER CHRISTMAS HIGH. >wink!<

tired.

2006-08-31T16:16:00.000+08:00

i seem to be getting tired quite easily the past few days.
stress. fatigue. burnout. whatever it is, seems to be catching up with me sooooo fast it must be travelling all over my body with a speed of 180mph (okay. okay. i am exaggerating...so?).

going to the gym - doing combat class, jam and rockstar, indulging in steam and sauna bliss does little to keep tiredness at bay...or even put a fleeting lid to its vaporous toxicity.

today, i have to finish this particular feature for one of my shows.
and i don't have a tape recorder at hand.
whether it's a damper or a blessing in disguise i don't know.

to be plain tart about it, the fleeting vacancy is a few hours of escape from the shackling demands of my work. but then again, whatever little rest it offers it fails to give me comfort.

hay....

got a sore back that needs a serious kneading.
i am desperately aching for a massage. fact is, i am imagining one right now.
soft lights - nope, make it tea lights...bathing the room with its mellow, pulpy glow.
an oil lamp burning faint traces of peppermint and lavender...soft, plump, fluffy white pillows within reach for a quick embrace of bliss...and then the body will be readied for a good, thorough, massage...softly kneading at first, gradually paving way to harder palm thrusts that would eventually untangle nerves long sore and almost frayed from the gruelling rigors of the day.

ahhhhhhhhhh........
i need this!

at the podium

2006-08-24T19:12:00.000+08:00

last august 20 was another day well spent with friends whom you know you'd only be too glad to share a meal with, funny conversations, good-natured arguments and bickering.

it was kinda cute...
to see that we have all soooo grown up and then not so much really...

Benggay and moi!

Ella and THE DESSERT -- Hazelnut Banana Crepe! which was sinfully delicious by the way.

here we are! with our two "boys" Gordon - Mausie's hubby and Uri

the PINK LADIES and the cutie tyke.

in terms of numbers, the only SmartMouth absent was Bong. the lone dude in a gang of boisteros femmes. but then again, he has good reason (he'd better! right Benggacious?!).
but his absence was readily filled with URI - Mau's cute son and my future heartbreaker of inaanak!

at mukhang mataas ang potential na maging text addict din ang batang ito! hahahhaa

or beautician?!!!!

whatever, it was another drizzling Sunday dinner that simply add warmth to a rather chilly weather. so,let's all wait for Tina's homecoming and birthday celebration.

cheers, bottoms up! right mate?!

stress and the color purple.

2006-08-24T18:57:00.000+08:00

define stress. that's me.
stress becomes me today. methinks it's a spillover from yesterday's toxicity.
i've got a workload that would perhaps put an average joe to shame...
but then again, i am no average jane.

i have two hands, but yet my work demands 12.

i have to listen, type, run an errand, cut paper, paste, photocopy, fix an interview schedule, do an interview (with three cute kids!), transcribe the interview, materialize a full length feature article, beat newspaper deadlines for a weekend release, read charts and graphs, craft another column feed, log my weekend report.

all of these, i have to finish. oh, and lest i forgot, i must remain smiling.
whew! try beating that. hahahahaha

i am sooooooo beat up today.
my head's in a whack. i'm stalled.
nope, let me re-phrase that. i am stalling myself.
all because i want to keep my sanity.
and the best way to do that? pick my phone, take a pic of myself and see how i am faring despite the stress that seems to strangle my the very life from me.
wow...smashingly gorgeous hahahahaha
yeah. yeah. i don't care if your eyebrows went off the roof.
this is my space. my moment. >beh<

i look tired here 'no? well, i am.
a bubbly conversation with my beloved brother, Dale surely kicked in some cheers.
kaya siguro i could still afford to smile back and de-stress. 'ei bro, miss yah!

why so purple? i dunno. purple used to be my fave color. well, until now it remains to be my favored hue. purple. among the reds, vermillions, blacks and white (pink is a hue of red, so there).

hayyy...so many things to write...am just soooo tired..and am still here at the office.

when you fall in love....by bo sanchez

2006-08-10T13:58:00.000+08:00

When You FALL IN LOVE
(Debunking the Myths That Are Driving You Crazy)
By Bo Sanchez

This article isn't for teenagers only.
Falling in love happens to the young and the not-so-young. (Did you see 42-year-old Tom Cruise jump up and down Oprah's couch because of Katie?) It happens to everyone.
Fat, thin, tall, short, intelligent, uneducated, holy, not so holy, dark, white, yellow, green... it doesn't really matter.
All of us fall in love.
And we get stuck in myths that drive us absolutely crazy.
My goal is to debunk these myths and convince you not to believe in them.
Let's begin..........

MYTH 1: LOVE WILL CONQUER ALL
Let me qualify. This is such a tricky myth.
Because love will conquer all. But love ------ as defined by glazed-eyed lovers ----- will not.

If you believe in this myth, you might do the following:
You overlook major obstacles in your relationship.

Everyone you know is wondering why you chose that creature from outer space as your boyfriend. Your bestfriends are telling you to get rid of him. Your family is telling you to throw him out of a running vehicle. Aling Rosa of the sari-sari store across the street is telling you to lace his drink with poison.

But you won't --------- because you're in love.

That's why there are songs entitled, "you and me against the world" Your bestbuds comment, 'but he's been jobless for the past three years!" And you say, "He's free-spirited. He feels boxed in when he's in the office. '(in other words, he's undisciplined, lazy bum.) Your officemates say, 'He flirts with other women constantly!' and you say, 'No, he's just friendly.' (in other words, he's a pervert) Your cousins say, 'He's taking drugs, He's got needle marks all over his arm. And you say, 'No, he's into cross stitching.'

You overstay in toxic relationships, believing that your love will change him.

The wedding doesn't transform anyone.
Even if three Popes officiate the wedding.
The person you'll march with into the church will be the same person you'll march with out of the church. He doesn't change one bit. In fact, the marriage makes the hidden more obvious.
If he was selfish before he got married, he will be even more selfish after the wedding.
If he was hypercritical before he got married, he'll even be more vile and prolific with his criticisms after wedding.

Here's the truth : You need more than feelings of love to make a relationship work. You need mature character, total commitment and a minimum level of compatibility.

Especially compatibility in the area of values and mission in life. I hear people say, 'We're compatible. Our names begin with the same letter J. My name is Julie and his name is Julio. We're both born in July." Wow. That's so deep, I want to cry.

MYTH 2 : WHEN IT"S TRUE LOVE YOU WILL KNOW THE MOMENT YOU MEET THE OTHER PERSON

I'm sure you've had this experience before.
You are in a crowded room. You're surrounded by boring, noisy chatter when, suddenly, this gorgeous guy enters the door. Your eyes meet. Instantly, time stands still. The universe grinds to a halt. Except for this attractive man in front of you, everything in your vision becomes a giant blur. The hubbub of the crowd becomes a soft muffle and, from out of nowhere, you here gentle violin music from the background.

One week later, he's your boyfriend. A few weeks later, you discover that your boyfriend's a pathological liar, buried in credit card debt, borrows money from all his girlfriends (you're his eight in six months). Your mind says, 'Dump him' Your heart says, 'But it was love at first sight!' Here are the consequences ...

You become so focused on the magical first moment, you become blind to the dark side of the relationship. Six out of seven days, you're fighting with your boyfriend. But you can't give him up because you met each other in such a magical moment. Your car keys fell and he picked it up, and then your eyes met, you smelled his deodorant, and you dropped your keys again ......How can you not be meant for each other?

You become a love-at-first-sight junkie that you could miss out on the 'real thing'. One intelligent woman told me, 'Bo, there's this guy who's courting me. He's okay. He's kind, he's responsible, he has a good job.......' "I could hear a 'but' coming ," I said. 'but there are no sparks!" she bit her lip. "No violin music playing in the background huh" "none. When I see him, the background music I hear is lululalu-lalulalulalei..." "listen. You don't need a magical first moment to meet our potential husband. The important things are mature character, financial responsibility, ability for commitment, compatible mission and values..." I actually met this girl again on her wedding, and before she marched down the aisle, she whispered to me, "Do you hear the violin music, Bo? It's loud and clear."

It doesn't have to be love at first sight. In fact, marriages with the least adjustments are those between friends who've known each other for years before they realize that they're good marriage material.

What is love at first sight? Many times, it's lust at first sight. Or infatuation at first sight.
Don't give it too much weight.

Here's the truth: it takes a moment to experience infatuation but true love takes a lifetime.

MYTH 3 : IF IT IS TRUE LOVE YOU WILL FEEL THIS WAY FOR EACH OTHER FOREVER

No, you won't. Here are the consequences for believing this myth :

You panic when the feelings wane, and wonder whether the marriage is over and whether you really loved one another in the first place. Imagine the night of your honeymoon. Your new bride is sleeping. The cotton curtains are gently swaying in the cool breeze. You gaze at her lovely face. You study her soft cheeks. Her long eyelashes. Her beautiful nose, her parted red lips. And all of a sudden, she snores. "Ngggggggooork" How do you react? Because it's your honeymoon, you say, 'How cute.' Six months down the road, the same scene transpires. Your wife is sleeping. And the same cotton curtains are gently swaying in the cool breeze. And you hear her snore. "Ngggggoork." What do you say? "Ssssssheeeesh, Honey! You sound like a boat!' What has happened? The feelings have gone.

Let me say this: 'That's normal. It happens to everyone. But it doesn't mean your love is gone so don't panic! You can make a decision to love the snoring boat.

You start blaming your partner for the loss of love.
This is nutty.
But many people do it: when we don't feel in love, we think it's the fault of the other person. And so we fight him. Again, we fall out of love because we're human beings. It's nobody's fault. The moment you fall out of love, the real work begins .

Let me explain. This is the most important point I'm going to make. (I got this from Scott Peck in his bestseller book, The Road Less traveled)

Falling in love isn't love Here's why.
When you fall in love.....
a. No decision is required. Falling in love just happens.
b. No effort is required. Falling in love is like.... Well, falling.
c. No hard work is required. Falling in love is being bitten by the lovebug.

On the other hand, true love requires all three : Decision, effort and lots of hard work.

In the Bible, love is a command. You make it happen.

Sure true love can only happen after you've fallen out of love.
When you begin choosing to love, even if you don't feel like doing it ---- that's true love.
And that's the foundation of a lasting marriage.

MYTH 4: YOUR PARTNER WILL FULFILL YOU COMPLETELY

Again because falling in love satisfied you completely ----- you want the same satisfaction to last. No it won't. Consequence? You might fail to recognize a good relationship because your partner isn't fulfilling the needs you should be fulfilling yourself.

Here's the truth: the right partner will fulfill many of your needs but not all of them .

There are just some things your husband can't give you: you're self-worth. Your spirituality. Your inner happiness. These are things you have to work on your own.

I've met lots of people who think they're dissatisfied with their marriage.

In reality, they're dissatisfied with themselves.

I've met lots of people who think they're bored with their marriages. And they complain to the high heavens how boring their husband or wife is ---- when in truth, they're really bored with life.

Meet your own needs. Find your happiness in God. Find your niche, your calling, your destiny. And then share your joy with your spouse.

MYTH 5: IF IT'S TRUE LOVE YOU WON'T BE ATTRACTED TO ANYONE ELSE

If you believe in this myth, you panic when you get attracted to someone else, questioning the authenticity of your love for your spouse.

One man told me, 'Bo, I love my wife. Or I thought I did. But then I met this woman at work. She has nice make-up. She smells nice. She wears a pencil-cut skirt. When I go home, my wife is wearing a drab rag. Her hair is undone. She smells of vinegar. Gosh I am attracted to this girl at work."

Being attracted to someone is normal ----- even if you have a happy marriage.

But being attracted doesn't mean falling into adultery. Every time you think of the other woman, discipline your heart and say, 'Home, boy, Home!' and escort your heart back to your wife. Because if you feed your attraction with fantasies and constantly think about the other woman, it grows.
But if you starve your attraction, it dies a natural death.

for the meantime...no more.

2006-07-26T11:21:00.000+08:00

once upon a time, i got hold of a copy of this interesting piece of material. and once upon a time, with every reading that i do, i'd get punctured and needled and besighed with the truthfulness of the words.

today, an officemate forwarded this to me.
suspending my work, albeit temporarily, i have decided to do this material a fresh reading. and now, inject insights.
as i can identify with the meantime girl no more.
i bleed no more.

The Meantime Girl

She`s the one you call when you`re bored because she makes you laugh. She`s the one you talk to when you`re feeling down because she`s willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She`s not the one you call when you need a date to your company`s Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She`s the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find `The One`. hanggang ngayon naman. especially that i am single anew. Guy friends who are in fucked-up relationships..okay, let me rephrase that, "badgered guys in a fucked-up relationships" - to borrow some friend's words - turn to me for a fresh vista on things...for a reminder to stop and smell the roses. to get them laughing again. to ask how their day went by. to make them feel how nice it is to be checked out without being nagged. to re-assure them that they're doing good. doing well. that yes, they are giving their darndest in their present undertaking and that they need to have a break once in a while. heck, if i could only charge people for the kind of cheering up that i do for them, i would have been a millionaire by now! but then again, that's the magic of friendship, right?

You know, the one you keep in the MEANTIME. i think it is of disservice to my kindness to be treated as a meantime girl, right?

She`s not one of the guys, not a tomboy, definitely, hindi na ako one of the boys dahil i've graduated from dressing up as one of the boys...inasmuch as i've already proven that i am no lesbian...but you don`t look at her as a "real" woman, either. She`s not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in the light. not bitchy enough? think again. not moody enough? think again. hehehehe kaya nga "volatile" ang creature na 'to eh....She`s too laid-back, maybe, at times.too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by maybe, at times.. She`s too understanding, too comfortable. Doesn`t make you feel nervous or excited the way a `real` woman does. unaffected...=)

But she`s cool, nice and funny, and attractive enough that when you`re lonely and need intimate female companionship, she`ll do just fine. You don`t have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don`t have any facades to keep up, no pretense to preserve. You`re not trying to get anything of substance out of her. because, one is simply being a friend. and you are thinking of someone else, a girl who could be a friend and has the potential to function as a GF-poser, but minus the complexities.

She`s not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you. And you know that you don`t have to explain yourself or the situation, that she`ll be able to cope with the fact that this isn`t the beginning of a relationship or that there`s any possiblity that you have any real romantic feelings for her. because men (who are in reality, little tykes) will always be after the intangible freebies of a (platonic) relationship. and this may include the affection that women are more than always ready to give wholeheartedly...sometimes, taking advantage of it to the fullest...becoming needy, demanding creatures who wouldn't want to be badgered back in the same needy, demanding way and at times appending that word 'dramatics' to the process.

It won`t bother her that you`ll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you`ve been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you.

She`ll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went.

She`s just so cool.. why can`t all women be like that?! because, not all women are as special, skilled in the art of intellectual stimulation --- be it a melee or laidback, relaxed conversation, beautiful (yes, todo buhat na 'to!) and charmingly humble (yes, sabay kabig!) at the same time.

But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don`t.. because to you, the situation between the two of you isn`t important enough to merit any real thought) you know that it`s really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don`t think she`s good enough to spend any real time with. paulit-ulit lang 'to. wala lang kasi 'balls' ang ibang guys. sheesh. sometimes, fault din naman ng girls. nilalagay sila sa pedestal. almost demi-god-like. hindi naman dapat. tsk.tsk.tsk.

Sure, it`smostly her fault, because she doesn`t have to give in to your needs - she could really play hard-to-get. Bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn`t pull it off. watch me pull it off. Maybe she`s too short, or a little overweight, or has big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell, or just really not that type. now, see who's into categorizing now.

Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman. yeah..moon over this line...goddess..hehehehe...i'm goddess. =P

You`ll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, well, a very good friend of mine has already asked me to be the best man in his wedding and i was more than happy to be one. and it's all because we have witnessed each other undergo the most devastating moments in each other's lives. and remain good friends, minus the romantic strings. thank God! tama ba Yeoj? hahaha and she`ll laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux.heck, i'll wear an elegant gown as a 'best man'. can't afford to look like a beggar in my bestfriend's wedding. >wink!<>

She doesn`t captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. sigh...i think i have opened many doors with half a smile. Mainly, she blends in with the crowd.i readily blend in a crowd, but i always stand out...sabi nga ng isang special person in my past, no matter how low-profile i try to be, i will always stand out. become who i am born to be. naks. lord of the rings 'yan bro! hahaha She`s safe. but of course. She doesn`t want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. yes, reluctant star and hesitant hearthrob. hahaha just figured, masarap pala ang feeling to make heads turn...=)
so, head turner ito.

But she wants to turn someone`s head. She wants to be SPECIAL to someone, too. We all do. She has feelings. She has heart. a woman also happens to be human...a very special creature of God.

In fact, she probably has a bigger heart than any woman you`ve ever known because she`s had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. smile.smile.smile.

She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you`ve given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is. - Anonymous
AMEN. So, never take (me) women for granted. Because you'll never know the kind of blessing you would be missing. =)

top of my head.

2006-07-24T17:50:00.000+08:00

there are quite a lot of things running inside my head. at a time like this. in a day like this. when it's a few minutes shy of 6p.m. when almost people in neighboring cubicles have deserted their desks. scooped their stuff. made that rush to the elevator. itching to get inside their cars and head home. beat the downpour threatening to wreak havoc anew. it's a good thing the skies have somewhat cleared.

it has cleared. a welcome change from the dark, greyish foam that has clouded and tormented our roofs, drenched the pavements and flooded our homes for the past three days.

i was stalled by this pretty-faced celebrity whose pronounciation is so awful, am sure she'd post as a challenge to every Speech teacher available. talking about Alyssa Alano. the girl who sang the 'Kiss Me' with a 'Keys Me' sound. hahahahaha

hayyy..a few more ticks and it's already six.
something makes me wanna go home now...and i dare not write any further what. just wanna seek refuge in my mom's soothing presence and take comfort in my sister's reassuring words...i just wanna be with them at this very moment.

i told someone today "parang basketball kasi ang nangyayari. what matters lang, kung ano ang nakikita sa paper. 'di nakikita 'yung intangibles tulad ng assist at rebounds".
am just thankful, that that someone is not as myopic as some people are.

i can't keep myself organize with this blog.just want to shoot things off from the top of my head.i guess, i just feel broken in some way. i feel bad. i feel sad....

tama nga si FAYE.

may mga tao, na kahit three-fourths na ng kidney mo ang ibinibigay mo, will never feel it's enough. kahit kailan, hindi 'yun magiging enough dahil dependent na sila sa'yo. dahil hindi lang kapiraso ng pagkatao mo ang kailangan nila. dine-demand na nila ang kabuuan mo. dahil tamad na silang mag-exist man lang para sa sarili nila. na ultimo paghinga, gusto pa nilang i-asa sa'yo.

may mga taong ganito. may mga taong sadyang ganito.

pero 'pag nakita nila na pwede kang magkamali, still, patay ka pa rin.

they won't be cutting you any slack whatsoever. they will not allow you to make any mistakes, no matter how honest it is. they will not make room for any allowances.

'coz with every mistake, comes the gravity of a slap that will erase the hundred good things you have done. and all that there is left to see, is the error you have made.

and all because you are human. and you made that mistake.

sana iwasan nating maging ganun...

i remember this exercise.
a clean sheet of paper. immaculately clean.
you write a small dot on the center.
and when one sees the material, all that is taken notice of is that blackened dot. the imperfection.

how sad.

maxed out.

2006-07-19T19:17:00.000+08:00

maxed out.
want me to define it? just look at me at this very minute.
'coz i am the very definition of someone who is. maxed out, what else?

try doing this for the day:
write two releases just before an 11am set visit to antipolo. have it printed. prepare the kits. seal the envelopes.

lunch with press people.
keep them occupied, interested for the next hour as the van makes its way to an exclusive suburb in Antipolo City (thank God they're such an accomodating and warm bunch!).

once on the set, arrange for a stream of interviews.
keep the interview going.
engage in a (short of) four-hour gabfest.

as soon as stepping into your batcave - my cube. my recluse. - pump up the PC.
finish tree more set of press releases.
finish three column feeds.
tick off the task done (thank God, i've wiped them off already).

and most of all, try not to remember the scarring line that one bastard casually dropped.
try not to be pissed off.
at least for the meantime.
try to erase every vivid memory of that five-second rubout.
pretend that you're unaffected.
pretend you don't care.
pretend you're not hurt.
pretend you're invinsible.
casually shake it off. pretend it wasn't an insensitive brush off.

pretend.

be casual.

AT LEAST, FOR THE MEANTIME.

then, when the clock strikes at 6:30 p.m. let it all out.
silently.
like a steam off a whistling kettle.

can you do that?

i just did.

am maxxed out.

in the arms of a cherub.

2006-07-03T17:49:00.000+08:00

in sync with July's step, my world flipped.
and up to now, i could feel tremors that the past two days have brought me...
incidents. conversations. words. of which i would rather keep lidded and just let myself soak into...i guess, no other person will be able to understand it..understand it with me or simply stay with me as i try to compartamentalize the porous, amorphous vapor that would seize me with its nauseating, painful spells every now and then...the kind of spells that would almost knock you down - not because of its pungent, dizzying effect, but moreso because of the abstract hurt it is capable of inflicting on you..

fact is the spells are odorless, but not necessarily painless. at times it comes in dangerous droves. a pile of cold angst dumped one after the other.

me, talking about angst. that's something.
me, having angst, that's something.
me, nurturing angst, now, that is something.

a friend said i was 'masungit' and i was not being my usual cheery self.

sometimes, when something's too heavy for me to carry, i drag it - unconsciously. thereby spilling ugly splotches on the floor and at times, dribbbles of its spills over to the nearest concerned warm body.

sorry.

when most of my lifesaver's are afloat and deflated, i could only be too thankful for the presence of this one cherub in my life ---- .

she landed on my lap with a thud, at the right place and at the right time. and i felt that finding solace in the warm hugs of this cute angel goes beyond words.

a day-out with my niece blocked out all the ill feelings that the previous night have brought. her small, stubby fingers laced over mine felt divine. and i feel that i'm invincible once more.

i ache for her smiles which she so generously give...her stubborn, defiant looks that never fails to make me laugh...if i could only bottle her laughs. stitch her smiles and make it into a badge...then perhaps, i could stretch the feeling of lightheartedness even as she's not around.

but then, that's wishful thinking.

metal. inner rock chick.

2006-06-28T14:05:00.000+08:00

Your Love Element Is Metal

In love, you inspire and respect your partner.For you, love is all about fusing together for one incredible life experience.
You attract others with wit and a bit of flash.Your flirting style is defined by making others want and value you.
Greatness and optimism are the cornerstones of your love life.You may let go too easily, but you never get weighed down by your past.
You connect best with: Earth
Avoid: Fire
You and another Metal element: will control and smother each other

What Element Is Your Love?

You Are Ashlee Simpson!

Stylish, unique, talentedYou're your own woman!"It seems like I can finally rest my head on something realI like the way that feels"

Who's" Your Inner Rock Chick?

of past lives, angels and keeping the faith.

2006-06-28T11:49:00.000+08:00

Your past life diagnosis:
I don't know how you feel about it, but you were male in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Borneo around the year 1175. Your profession was that of a handicraftsman or mechanic.

Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Seeker of truth and wisdom. You could have seen your future lives. Others perceived you as an idealist illuminating path to future.

The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
Your lesson is to develop a kind attitude towards people, and to acquire the gift of understanding and compassion.

do you believe in reincarnation?
though the belief in such concept takes root from other religion and occupies no space in the faith that i practice, the idea fascinates me nonetheless.

dug up on this one a few minutes ago. and then it made me smile.

just like what happened yesterday when i had an angel reading...and then met up with a good friend i haven't really seen for almost four years. it was wonderful.

i remembered how he read to me some of the lives i have lived.
that in one of my past lives, i was travelling with a group of gypsies.
in another one, i have led a life parallel to that of Joan of Arc.
and then i forgot the other lives i have led.
interesting. very interesting.

past lives. karma. angels. reading.

how much of this can a person take in a day?

depends i guess. on how one's faith is capable of supporting her. and i'm not even talking about the principles, dogmas and theologies read, studied, discussed, digested within the four walls of my dear alma mater.

no. faith, for me spans beyond that. i'm talking about one's belief put into action.
that amorphous blanket of abstraction that we either allow/disallow to guide us - our actions, our thoughts. our belief, our morals.

faith has held me together, just when i thought my spirit's beyond tattered. it has kept me afloat, when i felt i have swaum towards that dreaded deep-end of the pool..minus the floaters, the gutters. just me, keeping the faith that i'd be swimming past those fears. faith fed me with enough comfort to know that at those times when i'm left all by my lonesome, i'm not really alone..that an angel remains by my side, rocking me to sleep and cradling all my tears. somehow relieving me of the pain that life has refused to deny me off.

faith constantly reminds me to believe in myself. hold my ground.
to remain steadfast to principles that fleeting impressions at times are capable of blotting off.

one friday at the promenade.

2006-06-26T18:32:00.000+08:00

it was perhaps a day spent with a friend that would easily go to my list of 'the unforgettables'.

16th of june, 2006.

day of deviancy and one couldn't care less...
lunch of japanese food (and i'm just too happy with my tempura and chicken don that the presence of raw fish dipped in pasty wasabe do no tintimidate me)...
a stroll in shoppesville, eyes wandering freely over goods that seem to scream with "buy me! buy me!" in every glance...and of course, that first visit to Promenade's FULLY BOOKED.

a reading of Neruda's "Tonight I Can Write the Saddest Lines" never felt so blissful.
skimming through hundreds of engaging titles in that haven of binded covers was simply heavenly...and of course, the perfect cap to an almost ethereal afternoon

i would've wanted to hug Nemo, but then again, i might just embarass the dude.
so i supposed a buss on the cheek would suffice...
i was just too happy to have the book...

and the bookmark that came with it...
and the price tag that remained taped on its back cover. hahahahaha

it has become some sort of my bible in the week that has just passed..
i haven't finished the book..i refused to finish it in one sitting.

have i told you how much i love the book?
i love it soooo much that i bring it with me everywhere i go...

when i'm feeling low, i just have to touch its cover and somehow
a sense of calmness stills me.

shopping.

2006-06-26T17:46:00.000+08:00

shopping is definitely any girl/woman's best therapy whenever the blues are starting to wiggle its ugly head.

shopping - whether just window shopping or really dashing out to grab those loot you've been window shopping for some time now - is pretty much like that ointment you dab to an ugly zit called depression.

get my drift?

me and my very, very good friend Faye

went on a shopping spree last Saturday, 24th of June.
hah! Greenhills was no match for our extremely shiny mood that day.
despite the cloudy skies and wild afternoon outpour.

it was an afternoon of reconciliation with my feminine side.
finally, allowing myself to give to that delirious feeling of, yes, shopping.

nope. we didn't go home with an armful of loot. just enough bags to make us sigh and then giggle and laugh silly on how purchasing a pair of shoes, nifty blouse, cool shirts and trinkets could wash off the feeling of sadness that would ripple our thoughts once in a while.

walking around Shoppesville, haggling a bit and poking fun at the 'bimbos' we've accidentally sat next to over at Country Waffles (where we had a beautiful lunch of calamari, tuna salad and fried chicken washed off with freshly-squeezed lemonade! yummy!) surely dissipated the depression vapors i was sniffing at, in the early part of the day.

we promised ourselves, we shall return to this mecca of goodies.
can't hardly wait for august. can't wait for Faye's birthday.

i think birthdays and the blues will always be a perfect excuse to go ahead and shop.
hahahaha

i think, i should really include shopping in my list of favorite sports.
and haggling as another special skill. >wink!<

cramped buses.

2006-06-23T08:34:00.000+08:00

there are three things that i hate the most:

liars.
traffic jams.
cramped buses.

i strongly feel that lying is the lowest that anyone could get, next to perhaps..hmmm..the thought slips me as off the moment. but i'd get back to that in future blogs.

a more than decade old friendship slipped before my very eyes because of one, big, fat lie.
my heart dove towards blisterville a few eons ago because of a lie.
and catching someone whipping a fantabulous, spectacular well - lie, is something i dread.

maybe because i'm such a bad liar and i envy people who could bravely stitch a fabricated truth without flinching. whether it's a good or a bad thing (well, i guess being honest in a world spitting with cheaters, schemers, liars and downright pitiful jerks, telling a lie should come naturally), lying and lies remains to be on top of my HATE list. yes, i know. HATE is a strong word. and I'm using it.

why am i writing about the three things that i hate the most at the early part of the day?
well, i guess eating a bar of Van Houten chocolate failed to tick off my endorphines so here i am shooting off my mouth, ranting about my fair share of tales-slash-unpalabtable adventures on my way to work.

2. traffic jams.
have i ever written how much i hate Makati by the day?
its intoxicatingly irritating one-way streets and traffic jams that prevents you from accomplishing your task no matter how early you have mapped it out?

i hate traffic jams. i hate Makati traffic. i hate the traffic lights which seems to take that perpetual red hue.

i hate traffic jams. period.

3. i hate cramped buses.

okay. here's what totally ticked me off today - CRAMPED BUS.

left the house exactly 15 minutes before it spelled 7am. was able to board the bus 10 minutes after. passengers streamed at every stop. i figured, i shouldn't really even try opening my reading bible - Tuesdays with Morrie, lest i end up hating reading it inside a bus overflowing with warm bodies.

okay. why i hate cramped buses. it's not because i had to stand all throughout my journey towards the office.

it's because some inconsiderate conductor would continuously yell at people to get in and squeeze themselves, only to let more people in.

with this scenario, naturally, people would be pushed skin-to-skin right?
and more often than not, one would be offensive with the reactions of such stimuli.

so there i was, plopped on the aisle seat, my butt warming half of the seat reserved for two people. almost crushed to the lady in blue beside me - and with the fantastic number of people onboard, i face my share of harrassment for the day.

the man standing right beside me was pushed towards my side.
so, his crotch was uncomfortably rubbing my shoulders.
my GOD!!! talk about being offended in the most unexplainable terms.

'di ako nag-iinarte. halleur!!!!

if i happen to be a pervert, i would've enjoyed the moment.

having someone's crotch rubbing my arms and then my armpits is not exactly my idea of being greeted a "good morning"!

p*t@%gina!!!!

i have ridden almost all forms of transportation all my life.
but i have never felt offended until this morning.

so, my short list of hate-things-slash-moments-slash-incidents have just been updated.

riding cramped buses simply had to be, the most hated thing at slot number three!

For Nemo

2006-06-15T15:04:00.000+08:00

“Nemo”

Seven minutes past his deadline.
Shackled to his desk.
His eyes skim
through the pool of words
floating before him.
the curser blinks in steady rhythm
as it awaits his command.

Clock ticks.
Seconds hang like lead over his head.
as a thousand things to-do cram him.

The body slaves in the daily grind,
and yet the mind hovers,
shuttles and flits
in spaces
in between the to and fro.

I picture him seized with the paradox of things ---
courted sleep and snapped from its bliss
assembled things only to disassemble it
did the walk, made the talk
and retraced his steps from where he has started.
still, it was not enough to woo his Muse.
Tried to be friends with his nerves, wrack his brain for the right words.
still, the screen immaculately stares back.

Forty-two minutes past his deadline.
He remains shackled to his desk.
Oblivious to the crunching of keypads,
bland conversations,
bleeping mobiles
and incessant ringing of phones.

His eyes skim
through the pool of words
floating before him.
Fingers in pace with the throbbing of the blinking line.

Clock ticks.
Seconds, minutes crawl past him.
And then he is numbed.
2:42 p.m. 06/15/06

surreal.

2006-06-08T10:46:00.000+08:00

The EVEREST Experience.

2006-06-07T17:32:00.000+08:00

ROMEO 'ROMI' GARDUCE, second from right, huddles close with his Sherpas on this Everest summit photo taken on the 19th of May 2006. this very same photo made it to the front page of The Philippine Daily Inquirer. Cool noh?

nope. i didn't had that chance to scale the world's highest peak.
that 29,035-foot piece of rock surely has enchanted not a few, including me. this despite the fact that i nurture this (almost incurable) fear of heights.

the Everest experience goes beyond summiting the mountain revered by Tibetans with the name "Chomolungma" which means 'mother goddess of the universe'.

the Everest experience gave me a chance to work with some of the most aggressive, professional and yet down to earth people - the top execs, managers and staff of the GMA News and Public Affairs department.

here i am sharing a moment with Josh, Ms. Rikki and of course - Romi Garduce.

on this photo, Ms. Marie shares the 'kodak' moment with us.

of course, i share the limelight with my poging bossing - Boss Rams, the coolest dude to hang around with come crunch time.

ngarag moment na, pero sige pa rin ang pa-picture.

and finally, matapos ang trabaho i had the chance to get my picture taken with
THE MAN, GARDUCH! hah!

'di naman ako madaling ma-startstruck na tao.
but Romi's humility was simply overwhelming. straight from the airport wherein he was given a very warm welcome, walang arteng nagpaunlak sa isang presscon. tapos, isinalang ulit sa isang press briefing pagdating sa GMA. tapos, isinalang sa 24 Oras.
a thanksgiving mass was held, afterwhich dinner. pero siyempre, 'di naman nakapag-dinner kaagad ang ating bida. sandamakmak na picture-taking at interviews muna ang pinaunlakan niya. a little before 10 p.m., when the last mediaman was able to secure his exclusive, dun pa lang siya nakakain.

sobrang kapagod gawin ang EVEREST PROJECT na 'to...
but it was well worth.
and if i'd be asked to join the team once more, i'd still say YES!
without batting an eyelash.

jastinne_andrei

2006-06-07T14:35:00.000+08:00

how do kids do it?

kiss away stress borne from 10 hours of work or more.
pluck smiles from your lips even if you feel tired.
ham it up for the cameras and click away moments that almost eat up the memory of your mobile phone.

how they do it? i don't know...reason escapes me and all the cares in the world just simply melts away when i'm with my best gal pal right over here...yep. my fave 'kikay' buddy is a three-year-old tyke who talks with a very strong Tagalog accent and has the energy of an Energizer bunny two-folds.

Jaja is the first pamangkin in our brood. the first apo.

and so everybody's attention and affection is on hers and hers alone....missing the kid. badly. her infectious smiles and bubbly giggles are the most effective stress-busters i've ever had.

coming home from work, back aching with a grumbling tummy to boot, i'm most likely to hit the sack...but with her around - patiently waiting for all of her ninangs to come home and share a tickle or two while watching the teleseryes and asianovelas - three hours off the regular eight-hour sleep hardly matters.

i feel like 'barbie' whenever she would play with my hair. tirelessly combing it. tying and untying it. though at times her seemingly harmless tugs become a little bit hurtful.

still, i miss the way her small, stubby hands and the way it smoothens my hair, caress my arms and poke my palms in an effort to massage my stress away.

kids. how do they do it?
create magic with their laugh. stir tenderness with their smile.
stoke comfort in their small, big hugs.
give unselfish love with their chubby open hands.

19.april.2006.wednesday

2006-04-19T19:07:00.000+08:00

the television set beside me is confined to its world in as much as i am.
post its in yellow frames my computer and every visible space in my cubicle is tacked with clippings of the impending project i am at present, very much involved with (Garduce and Mount Everest).

the place is extraordinarily denied of the usual fanfare that throbs at this usual hour, 7:09 in the evening.

i am alone. they have all left for various reasons - event, presscon, rounds or simply because their time of servitude has briefly ended, albeit temporarily, until the coming of the 'morrow.

and so, i am alone. unmindful whether the ticking of the hours would sprint by or simply crawl off in idle fashion.

i paused and retrace my steps to this morning...my face, my gait is a far cry from how my shoulders slump and deadpan expression that i now sport.

must be tired...from the meetings i have attended, moreso, from inhaling the dreadful smoke puffed by people i was with. small, wispy clouds of gray rubbish that seems to scrape the very life of me. curses.

i could surely use a nice, hard back rub. in strokes coming in a mix of brisk and slow torrents...yes. that would be a piece of heaven. something that would crush those small lumps of tiredness that amazingly finds itself a home in my back once in a while...and maybe, a nice footrub wouldn't be far behind....

sheesh..i must be really tired.
i was in want to write about falling in love again, but here i am.
tapping away my simple joys, as if putting the words together would be enough to soothe my frayed nerves and tired bod...
i guess, a little imagination is helpful to lift a tired spirit.

how about a shot of caffeine?
i could sure use a hot cup of green tea...that would be nice.
hot tea after a good massage! now, who cares about getting these releases done?!!!
not me!...well, at least for now. hehehehe

before

2006-04-19T18:58:00.000+08:00

at present...a body without a soul. a floating moshpit of frayed nerves, jumbled thoughts. a scattered self in the process of self rediscovery, embracing light, life and love anew.

before the wind has picked me up...

2006-04-11T11:35:00.000+08:00

(before the wind has picked me up...)
i rest my wings, albeit temporarily.
to let my soul soar and my spirit be free, i rest it some more. in my half-existence, somehow, i have embraced my wholeness. soon, halfwinged i shall be no more. i shall take flight, unembraced. through it, i will be welcomed by freedom. my strength, i shall inhale. together with the wind that's bound to test me some more. i might bend, i might falter, but once more i shall rise and fly once more.

2006-04-11T11:31:00.000+08:00

bliss list

2006-01-04T15:10:00.000+08:00

BLISS LIST ni BARBS

1. Getting soaked in the rain

2. Getting soaked in the rain while walking.

3. Laughing while getting soaked in the rain.

4. Laughing while getting soaked in the rain with my special someone (sana soon!)

5. Cooking spaghetti.

6. Cooking runa casserole.

7. Staring at the Christmas Tree on Christmas Eve.

8. Watching the Boracay sunset.

9. Lying on Bora beach, counting the stars.

10. Sipping Espresso Frap at Starbucks Tagaytay.

11. Watching the raindrops fall while snuggling under my orange comforter.

12. Lying on my belly and watch the butterflies quietly.

13. Eat Strawberry/Mango/Cheese flavore ice cream.

14. Listen to the Beatles' songs while riding on a bike.

15. Licking melted chocolates on my thumb.

16. Sipping watermelon shake. kiwi shake. mango shake.

17.Magkulay ng coloring book.

18. Singing under the rain.

19. Eating McDonald's french fries.

20. Receiving a note of encouragement.

21. Jogging around the campus.

22. Reading a heartwarming text from a friend.

23. Receiving flowers.

24. Having a body massage.

25. Giving myself a foot spa.

26. Getting a facial.

27. Eating chocolate cake.

28. Eating a bloc of Cadbury Whole Dairy Milk.

29. Someone reading out a Pablo Neruda poem.

30. Reading Paolo Coelho's "Eleven Minutes" and Nicholas Sparks' "The Notebook".

spell mo nga love...

2006-01-03T18:14:00.000+08:00

sighs came in circles and twirls..swooshing and fluttering like brushes of butterfly wings, eyelashes against one's cheek, heart melting at the slightest blush of heat - like a butter.

it's mush and cheesy, watching a Korean-novela taking at potshot at romance.
watching on the reel people falling in love and in that state of wondrous, rapturous feeling - somehow fanning hopes for the cynic-on-the-edge that somehow it would come off for real.

it's hard to feign nor watch it under closed lids..that giddy feeling spiralling down one's spine, only to rush back with a hard thrust...sending the spirit on a different kind of high.

it's like eating fluffs after fluffs of wispy, pink clouds of candy in a park...licking the last drip of one's strawberry-flavored ice-cream..sipping a tall watermelon shake while watching a soccer game..eating sweet, fleshy strips of mango while swinging lazily on a hammock..watching the sun paint the sky tangerine as it dip into the mirrored waves...getting soaked in the rain and not really giving a care while laughing at the silliest of things..walking and giggling as the clouds relieve itself of its wet burden...doing all of this things, holding hands with that particularly special someone.

it's quite normal actually, to be giddied by a single frame of "reel love"...

but me, welcoming the normalcy of such things comes as a tad wonderful for beads of reason i simply leave as an afterthought...

the feeling of being able to recognize the suggested emotion - state of being in love, of love - gushed anew...the thrilling amorphous orb of ecstasy bobbing at the pit of my stomach, like excitement coming in small pellets jumping up and down my system.

i quietly smiled at myself. bemused.

i thought dementors of my not-too-distant past have sucked the happy thoughts and feelings that lives in me.

well, it could only wish it had.

my spirit floats and hums its tune, my soul knows it shall be reembraced by a beloved - unnamed still, without a face - soon.

beer tayo

2005-12-28T13:42:00.000+08:00

last night, someone's shadow flitted in between breaths and almost made me cry...now sadness sleeps soundly in my belly and i can't flush it out.

it wills itself to sigh and breathe and sleep on its own.

it feeds on my thoughts.
it drinks from emotional vapor hovering and floating over my head, into my heart and under the soles of my feet.

i watched happy thoughts wilt under its weight. the smiles waned in its shade. the nub of wings prematurely formed were clipped as well. once more, the shadows i thought would remain muted in the background embraced the darkness of my room and blanketed me once more.

sadness is the cold lump curled in deep slumber at the pit of my stomach...no. no tummy aches. only an aching that it would yawn out of me soon. be lost in a sigh, melt in a whisper, evaporate in breath.

maybe i could drown it in a beer.

cheers, bottoms-up.

the tab is on me.

amorphous

2005-12-27T14:40:00.000+08:00

my first meal for the day was pinched with a song.

"'coz it's my first broken heart...my dreams have almost ended, it's my first broken heart. i don't know how to mend it. tell me where do i start (do i start) 'coz it's my first broken heart"

my spoon loaded with rice and lumped with fish hang midway between my mouth and my tray as the song wafted in the air...

at the same time, an amorphous object trickled down my throat down to my navel. a lump curved into a ball then settled heavily into my tummy.
my breakfast - which was not too long ago made my mouth watery - tasted like cardboard.

i tried to shake off the feeling.
i was somehow successful, but the ball of cold vapor seemed to shackle itself in its new found home, refusing to dissipate, much more melt away.

it felt weird...
as if one is made to feel dry and awashed at the same time...one part is smiling but the other is in limbo...like catching a butterfly with your bare hands, only to discover that it is not really there...

i conjured images of my bliss list, only to find a wan smile tugging the corners of my lips...getting myself all worked up is requiring too much effort, kicking my shins and my butt is an immediate action i am almost tempted to resort to.

"PISCES: Emotions will be difficult to control but will allow you to rid yourself of the past so you can move on to a bright new future. be brave and make a to-do list of all the changes to make in the new year."

This was my horoscope a few days ago. Excitement surged through me at the initial reading, now i am at lost.

Sometimes I wish, forecasts would be a bit clearer. Colors would be more defined. Why can't blue be seen as simply blue? Why is there a need for blue to be subclassed as perwinkle blue, skyblue, midnight blue, charcoal blue, matted blue? Why can't colors be taken as they are?

sigh. of course, i know why it had to be that way.

because, colors, just like life itself takes a different shade and hue with every blackness added, with each light embraced.

sadness takes a different tone and a different toll on every individual...and the state of being happy is experienced in varying level.

the cold lump is sleeping no more. it has now clouded atop my head. nestled on my uncombed tresses. i cannot fog it off, since it is capable of willing itself into appearing and reappearing within and outside of my system...

thank God, it skipped my heart and jumped over my chest.

for a moment, i worried drowning in sorrow's cup of bitter herbs and the uncertaintly of being unable to swim back to sanity nearly scared me.

i pray for that day wherein i could swim in deep waters confidently and snorkle in life's water of surprises...

i pray for that thick blanket to keep me warm when the days gets to be too rainy for me...

i pray for happy thoughts to come in butterfly droves and for sad memories to stay muted in the background...

i pray for healing that i may afford to touch other people's lives and be a proof of God's hand at work...

that after all the hurts and the pains and the wounds and the sorrows,

life is still beautiful and a smile that was borne of healed pain is much sweeter than a fleeting kiss of a happy Janus.

morning thoughts and JAstinne

2005-12-27T08:22:00.000+08:00

it's post-holiday blues. tugging at the sides of my blanket in an effort to stifle the nipping cold. the pinpoints of light slowly filtering my room. the pilgrimage to the bath, and the struggle with the cold vapor of this season's morning.

when the spirit has awakened, the mad rush to break the 8:00 a.m. call.
sliding my card and logging at 7:50 a.m., i know, i'm safe.

and then i quietly tugged my chair. punched open my unit and leafed through my Harry Potter 5 - a Christmas gift from my sister. sweet!

my fingers missed tapping the keyboards and so i write.
my body misses the demands of a writer's job - a writer for a steady mag or broad...and so i still write, if only to keep my fingers busy and deny rust rushing its toll in my brain.

i had a quiet Christmas spent with my family.
Christmas Day was made special - waking up to the innocent stare of my four-year-old niece, smelling her and watching her open our gifts was one of the day's simple joys that really floored me. and then my tatay came home - dinner and small talks as if nothing really happened. and i did miss him.

yesterday, i was re-introduced to STRESS.
with my beautiful niece in tow, we trooped to the mall to let her ride as many rides as she want and ogle at all the dancing lights and santas that her young eyes could absorb. we watched her finish her food and wipe her mouth in earnest, went into a frenzy when she simply said she wanted to unload some shit (hehehehehe yes! tumae sha sa mall! hahahaha), and took turns in carrying her when she got tired from all the walking.

Jastinne was simply adorable.
she babbles with lots of stories and is a one small, solid bundle of fun.
her small hands promises a lot of caring and her small kisses are more than enough balm to soothe my cares...and i could just sigh and remember yesterday's afternoon pregnant with memories of her - beautiful, exciting and humbling at the same time.

with her, i was reconciled with the kid in me once more.
eating three cones of ice cream at the same time, staring at shop windows and tapping tarpaulins. giggling over the cold and sipping mandarin orange juices....

yesterday's afternoon thoughts and memories surely nicks a place in my bliss list.

Christmas rush..rushing past me...thoughts and among other things...

2005-12-23T15:09:00.000+08:00

Christmas peeks from atop our tree, its somewhat cool breath kissing me into consciousness for quite some mornings now.

the warmth of my blanket is one seduction i willingly succumbed to, for three straight days in row now. and there's no trace of guilt scratching my insides, only child-like pleasure coming in ticklish spurts...like skipping classes for a day after faking a tummy ache.

stepping into the day's semi-maddening Christmas rush, i was greeted with the build-up of well, rush.

People rush to and fro - dotting the avenues at first, then it becomes a stream of bodies colliding in a steady flow filling every city's niche, sealing the gaps between tiangges, avenidas and compartments of every mall.

Traffic jams flavor the start of my office trek. The incessant chatter of bonuses and conversations sprinkled with discontent punctures the ears once too often.

In the middle of the rush I take my pause and watch.

Somehow, I smile.

Christmas is rushing past me. pretty much like how a sand sifts through one's fingers. how a dew evaporates at the sun's first kiss. how the leaves of a makahiya folds at the slightest touch....that fast.

I wonder if its spirit leaves that fast as well the hearts of people who seem to celebrate it...or have they lost its essence completely.

Christmas...it's my favorite season of the year. I like Christmas best, sometimes, way much better than my birthdays.

I like the smell of puto bumbong and bibingka cloaking the air. the sound of Christmas carols filtering into my room, waking me up every weekend morning and i'd just be content spending an extra 30minutes on my sack.humming along or mentally checking the gifts i'd hope to buy for family and friends....I like Christmas mornings and Misa de Aguinaldo. Noche Buena.

the prelude to Christmas is just as exciting...company parties, dinners with friends. shopping for gifts. wrapping gifts. giving gifts. watching them open the gifts. being greeted with 'Merry Christmas'......

months before the December wind took its first nip at my mornings, i had a romantic scenario of what my Christmas 2005 would be...i would be there, sitting beside our family tree. post noche buena and all the gifts have been opened...i would be sitting there with My Guy. the lights are off saved for the tiny blinking bulbs strung up together and looped around our evergreen. and we would just be sitting there, probably drinking chai or tea. maybe sing a carol together or recap the year that is slowly coming to a close...

but that would remain to be just a pretty foresight that might not reach fruitition. because I remains an "I" and the "us" has ceased to be.

am i sad? not really. just waxing some thoughts. Christmas comes more on a reflective note this time...making me clear off some cobwebs in my mind.

the cold breeze that's quite typical at this time of the year, during this season would have frozen my heart and my spirit..but i could say, i have regained a good part of myself and i am happy.

i had happier times.
but i am not complaining.

i can smile my smile and manage a guffaw that doesn't comes off in shallow farts. =)

Christmas.
The Christmas-ey feeling hasn't reached its summit yet - well, at least in my personal barometer...but i know, it'll get there...just before the bell tolls for the Misa de Aguinaldo peels off...

halfwinged...at rest.

2005-12-20T09:42:00.002+08:00

i allowed the halfwinged in me to take the rest it needs.
and maybe, for the better.

---o00---o0o---o0o---

halfwinged

once more i am halfwinged.

taking flight unembraced.

i have only but myself. memories cascade before me. and then at times, becomes a waterfall blur.

i seek some lift with unburdened thoughts.
shaking off some more weight, as i forego with the unpleasant thoughts. in my being, i find them no niche.

halfwinged...at rest.

2005-12-20T09:42:00.001+08:00

on a passage...

2005-12-05T16:54:00.000+08:00

"with all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."

- DESIDERATA, Max Ehrmann

dreams may be broken and things may strike you as surreal.
cracked pots and shattered glasses.

the rain hitting you in shreds...slowly, almost as if a feather has touched your soul.
and then the heaviness would begin its descend.

first like lead, boring you down with its weight and then it slices your being from the very tips of your hair down to the smallest of your toe.

and then you bleed. and wonder.
even the soul wanders.
and then you get into thinking if it would ever come back again.

the world becomes one whole playground of lights and shadows.
colors would dodge from here and there and everything else was bland.
it was neither night or day or day and night. because limbo has become your abode.
the gray becomes your salvation and it resembles whatever is left in your concept of bliss.

even the blood that seemed to ooze from the nailbed of your fingers seem to be fascinatingly colorless. denied of the reds that palpitates with life. with nary a trace of health's pinkish blush.

and then one day the soul is reunited with the body.
the mind gets remarried to the brain.
life pulses with spirit.
and once more - the concept of love, life, bliss and faith reverberates inside the chambers of your heart. thumping and throbbing. dancing madly in every living cell of your body. encapsulated and in dire need of release, it comes of first in a smile. then in a sigh. and then colors raptured before your very eyes.

yes, one is reborn.
healing is possible.

happiness floats. and then it hovers over one's head.
waiting to kiss the foggy-eyed balloon of sadness that has curled into a perfect cloud.

like a butterfly it floats there, here and then there again.
its candy-colored wings bursting with sweetness that waits to land on the parched-cracked lips of a beloved who has awaken from despair.

i smiled. i am that beloved.
today, i smile.
today, i embrace nightfall with arms open wide. pretty much like a lover getting reunited with her lost love.
today i will cup night's face and plant kisses on its face. thankful.

reunions are sweeter when peace is cradled and faith bids you to a restful slumber with a promise of a better tomorrow.

wounds...ramblings

2005-12-01T08:35:00.000+08:00

as i was on my way to work, on the bus, my eyes hiding on the thick retro shades i'm wearing, a sense of epiphany touched my sight...

i find it rather overwhelmingly funny, sadly quiet. for some semblance of understanding to come...how my life, in the past few days, in the past few weeks, in the recent months could be summed by the wound on my knee - which is on its healing stage, by the way.

the wound which i have incurred the past week.
the wound which has caused me so much pain, the pain numbing my leg, reduced my walk to a hobble and now, as it heals, is fastly-growing a scar which is not exactly the prettiest sight to behold.

at the onset, i sought medical attention. it was cleansed and nursed with antiseptics, which has bit and stung my skin a little too much, and all i could do was whimper.

the days which followed was no less horrible.
i walked with a funny limp. to bend was a major suffering. to descend was excruciating, in as much as going up using the stairs was a pain worth a thousand scourges.
it was a struggle.
heck, even taking a bath is a major effort.

the wound on my knee simply commanded attention like no other.

i took heed to its demand, trying to sit, walk, stand up, lie down in the most comfortable way i could manage. hoping that it would heal fast. dry up soon, so that i could walk and hop and stride the way i used to.

but then i came to be re-oriented.

healings could not be hurried.
it takes time. one has to get used to the spurts of pain inflicted.

when i fell on my knees on that particular balmy morning, the metaphor was unclear. albeit, i was unmindful of the hurt at first.

it was only this morning that i came to know, how falling on one's knees could hold meaning at various points in my life...the revealation shuttling between two dimensions that has left me, both in awe and humbled.

my fall on that pavement was pretty much like getting my heart crushed and beaten to a pulp.
getting my heart broken is similar to a knee grazed deeply - lacerated from all directions, bleeding.

in accepting a relationship that has gone awry, thoughts raced to a fleeting healing.
but one could only hope so much. pine for forgetting in an instant, is seeking a miracle.

the great Neruda could not have phrased it better:

"Falling in love is easy, it is in forgetting that we face oblivion."

Amen I say to that. And my healing, my forgetting, is set to embrace oblivion.

Time became both an ally and a foe at the same time.

Days would crawl and seconds would yawn at me, feigning healing adieu.
at the same time, giving me assurance, that tomorrow would be a better day.
but then, that's walking on the hems of sunshine....well, that's a bit part of me that hasn't been singed. walking on hope's fine lines, aching to burn some wind's caress soon.

my wound's almost healed. save for the part wherein the joint is shrouded by flesh and is always being bent. the caked skin is already itching to flake off, but the skin underneath remains tender.

soon it will.

and so will my heart.

for now, it demands less fuss - both, the wound and this fragile lump of tissues inside my chest.

though both palpitates with aching, somehow, i know i will be okay soon.

i could soon walk, hop, stride and perhaps leap the way i used to.
this time, just a tad careful, but nevertheless carefree.

now, how conflicting that could be?!!!

spell irony, that's me.

saying thank you even if you can't

2005-11-29T17:49:00.000+08:00

there are times when it is awkward, difficult even to say thank you..how much you appreciate the sunrise and welcome the sunset. how velvety is the night. how the soft breeze that filters inside your room is a welcome change...

there are times when it is difficult to smile...coming off from a good cry. difficult even, to open your eyes and acknowledge the simply prettiness of things, the fragile beauty that surrounds you.

yes, it comes off hard to say how thankful we are to be alive.

yes, it comes off hard to say how thankful i am to be living.

but still i say thank you.

thank you for being pained, more than once.
thank you for being hurt, a couple of times.
thank you for getting bruised in my life's journey.
thank you for pricking those tears from my very core...for making me feel its heaviness as it travels to my heart and be flushed and washed out from my eyes.

my knees could only take so much fall.
my heart could only take so much pain.
and my soul could only take so much sadness.

still, i thank you.
my ALL. my greatest CONFIDANTE. my HEALER. my STRENGTH.

2005-11-29T10:54:00.000+08:00

there's nothing much to do.

i hear paper being cut.

incessant chatter drowned by the televisions own babbling...

i stay here.
my body's here.
and yet, my heart's not in sync with the tune.