this one's into my head now

EL DEBARGE lyrics

chick's baseball and my pen.

They call a short stay in baseball "a cup of coffee," and that's what I had, but it was a cup of coffee at the best table in the best joint in town.
--- Chick Benetto, for one more day (mitch albom)

mitch albom's newest piece is my current read.
actually, the impulsive buyer in me trampled all over my senses that before i had an idea of what's going on, i believe i have marched to the counter cradling albom's books - for one more day and 5 people you meet in heaven - and have fished the plastic card from my wallet.

promptly paid my purchase. no second thoughts, without looking back.

now, i am thoroughly enjoying every page of the book.

fact is, i have stopped on this particular page in which the preceeding paragraph falls.
it made me pause, think and reflect - on thoughts that i have set aside, but kept on resurfacing. stuff that bubbles inside my head that sometimes won't let me be still.

hmmm...how do i start? might as well let my mind drift and allow my hands to do the typing.

Chick's a baseball player who has crossed the rainbow of the game - the World Series. Chick has played in the Major League and figured in the World Series.
after that, nada.

He blew his knee, was healed, played in the Minor League. but that was as far as he goes.

he ended up being a salesman.

he had the best that life had to offer. but it wasn't enough....

i haven't finished the novel yet, but somehow, the epiphanies are humbling and small spurts of affirmation simply juts out from the pages.

Chick's line is parallel to every mainstream journalist's creed, you're only as good as your last copy.

this line made me work my ass off in every story i submit to my editor when i was still in active duty as a sportswriter. being one of the few female sportswriters added pressure to make good in my chosen profession, prove that i have something in between my ears, was more than just a pretty face and punctuated my article with hardwork and dedication that has earned for me the (then much sought-after) byline and respect of colleagues.

and then i left. worked as an editor in foreign land. came back. enjoyed my brief stint in the academe. and then joined a broadcast network.

i have never turned my back to writing. it has, and will always be my one true love. writing has kept me sane. made me still. allowed me to cry and comforted me best. writing has been my constant source of smiles. and it has never left me wounded.

and so, every now and then i pick up my pen and seek for a story waiting to see print.

sometimes, i'm successful. but there are times, i feel broken-hearted.

i had the best time of my life getting my nails inked. scribbling madly post-game interviews. waking up early for an exclusive. beating deadlines. wracking my brains for the perfect lead. hacking away my story on some beaten typewriter. helping out my editor to put our magazine to bed. receiving fan mails. getting patted on the back by people i thought i would never impress. be praised by people who actually knew i exist.

it was a giddy experience. pretty much like riding on a small boat and admiring the surrounding beauty from the outside. almost surreal. ethereal. and i could still taste the cloudy, heady sensation tingling and tracing the insides of my cheeks, rolling on my tongue, bouncing and bumping into every fiber of my body.

it's that giddy.

it was one of the best chapters in my life.

somehow it defined me.

gave birth to several realizations. unveiled friendships that are meant to be for keeps, and some that could only go too far. it has stripped people off their masks, and taught me that i should know better.

it was one of the best street in my journey and being led into it was like having the best teacher in class.

it was like getting the best seat in a concert, the performer pausing and dedicating that one favorite song of the moment and just cherishing the performance especially for me.

wow.

now, i am in a different field. huddled with an entirely new cast. and as i embrace new challenge to my growth, i am flipping the page of my book so i can write on a fresh leaf now.

no last copies for this girl, only fresh ones to make. >wink!<

it's all because you kissed me goodnight...wish ko lang!

I've been looking for this poem since i heard it from a classmate back in my freshmen year.
whew! college days pa 'yun!

thanks Bro H!!!! You're the Man. ahahahahay


Said My Pajamas and Put on My Prayers

I climbed up the door, and opened the stairs;
I said my pajamas and put on my pray'rs,
I turned off the bed and crawled into the light
And all because you kissed me goodnight.


Next morning I woke and scrambled my shoes;
I shined up an egg, then I toasted the news;
I buttered my tie, and took another bite;
And all because you kissed me goodnight.


By evening I felt normal, so we went out again
You said "Goodnight," and kissed me,
I hurried home and then I climbed up the door, and opened up the stairs;
I said my pajamas and put on my pray'rs;
I turned off the bed, and crawled into the light
And all because you kissed me goodnight.

I powdered my hair, and pinned up my nose;
I hung up the bath, and I turned on my clothes;
I put out the clock, and wound the cat up tight;
And all because you kissed me goodnight.


I ran up the shade and pulled down the stair;
I curled up the rug, and I vacuumed my hair;
I just couldn't tell my left foot from my right;

And all because you kissed me goodnight.

By evening I felt normal, so we went out again
You said, "Goodnight," and kissed me, I hurried home and then
I lifted the preacher and called up the phone;
I spoke to the dog, and I threw your Ma a bone;
'Twas midnight, and yet the sun was shining bright,
And all because you kissed me goodnight.

goodmorning Sunshine!!!

this email made me smile.
i love how this week started and how each morning is punctuated with a shared guffaw.
a hearty laugh. and underlined with an abundance of smile.

and i'm sooooo loving it. =)

special thanks to my handsome bro, Haeroldous. i hope i spelled your name right. hahaha


After A While

after a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security,

and you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises,

and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.

and you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

after a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
so plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

and you learn that you really can endure...
that you really are strong, and you really do have worth.
and you learn and learn...with every goodbye, you learn.

(by Veronica Shoffstoll - 1971)

hmmm..

i don't like fat. pork fat. beef fat. lamb fat. chicken fat.
perhaps, the only fat that i could tolerate are the ones attached to my body...and sinigang na bangus belly.

two days ago, we had nilagang baka for lunch.

i have scooped the veggies - cabbage, lettuce, squash, beans - and was stoking the serving bowl with my fork, looking for the beef. with no fat, of course. finding none, i asked Nanay how come it's all fat. of course, that's not entirely true. there are beef chunks in the broth, but the cut parts are not exactly to my liking..so i went to scoop some from the casserole.

but i have finished the beef with gusto and i was in want of some more.

i wandered again if there's still some more beef.
you know what my Nanay did?
hiniwa niya ang karne na nasa plato niya. inilagay niya ang lahat ng laman sa plato ko, at tuloy ang kaniyang pagkain habang kami'y nagkukuwentuhan.

I JUST LOVE MY MOM.

sleepless and surfing.

it's two minutes past one in the morning. and i should really be sleeping right now.
but then again, i am too hooked-up with the net, surfing - people from the past, friends, colleagues, high school crushes - that i've been waving off sleep's incessant call.

and now i'm blogging.

i met up with my very good friend yesterday - DJ.

though i'd rather stay home and run my CSI DVD Marathon, there's something with the way her SMS sounded that i felt i should meet her.
and so we met, lunched, went to the supermarket and gabbed.

cradling coffee cups in our hands, taking itsy bites of the New York Cheesecake that idly sits on the marble top between us. gabbing about life. on the two high school friends we saw with their respective girlfriends. past loves. her kids. high school. her siblings. her mom. my work. my being a workaholic. my lovelife - or lack of it (hahahahaha).

DJ asked if i'm okay. i smiled. i gave her a reassuring smile.
of course. i'm loving life, and i guess it's pretty obvious with the way how things are going right now.

one's happiness need not be anchored on someone.
one has to be happy by herself, before she could find happiness by being with another.

i am happy. not exactly contentd, but i feel blessed.

i know, one day soon, i'll be happier and would be feeling more blessed.

and when that day comes, i know, more people will be happy for me.

my bad, it's Emily.

it was just the affirmation i needed.
the title of the previous post was also the title of Emily Dickinson's poem, and not Frost.
my loud musing paid off as Tel (who keeps tab of my wanderings via this blog by the way, hehehehe) SMSed me.

the past week was exhausting. but it was the kind of exhaustion that you get to appreciate come weekend....it was a productive week as well.

after hieing off to Iloilo for the Pinoy Pop Superstar Roadshow in Iloilo, wherein i was reunited anew with these very beautiful palanggas...


at heto pa....

i had to pack my bags again for the two-day team-building seminar that my Corp.Comm. Family had cooked-up in Subic held last Thursday and Friday.
lahat ng gurls sa Family, magaganda!


it was a blast! especially, when my group won the overall games....

the PATA Team. hahahaha

this is my new FAMILY now...


and my 'mumsie' and 'pops' ....
i am sooooo blessed to have all of them...and was blessed more to share a day and a half with them with no PC to harass me. hahahahaha


and i've never felt more energized and inspired to start working again.
hahahahaha
talk about being a sucker for work.

that's me.

was it Frost?

After great Pains, a Formal feeling comes.
(sabi ko nga sa shoutout ko sa Friendster) it's not just me waxing romantic. it's me being thankful that i have lived and loved with the kind of passion that have driven me to an ecstatic bliss and abysymal lows, with enough passion that had me fragmented and made me whole again.

while the process of being shattered is something that i wouldn't wish even to my enemies (wala naman 'ata akong enemy...not that i'm a saint) I believe, it's the ultimate test of one's strength and character.

one could only be thankful that it's over.

i was talking to J (chatting was more like it) yesterday.
and i was recounting an Iloilo trip. i was conjuring the imagery with the best words that my mind could spit. and i was smiling the entire time.
i was sharing a story of two wonderful persons who stamped the nose-shaped province with their spirit but did not end up together.

the story was beautifully sad.
and the lips (well, the hands actually did the typing...so there.) that carried the tale could only spell enough melancholy.

J said it was sad. i agree. but the beauty there, i guess, is the capacity to remember and actually tell the story by being sad no more.

so, it's me. hahaha

i'm just happy sharing that thought 'coz i'm back in the same place, walking the walks and inhaling the throbbing spirit of the city.

sabi ko nga kay J, the spirit of the moment is gone. only the memories remain.

why am i writing it?

so that those who are hurting (are you listening JR? hahaha) will know that it's alright to feel sorry for themselves, to mourn, to grieve, to feel depress, to own their pain, and then start living again and then move one.

we are all entitled to feel the anguish that every separation brings.
to feel helpless. to feel unloved. uncared. unwanted. inadequate.

and after indulging in the pain, once must know that it's time to live and move on.

sometimes kasi, we need affirmations that it's okay to cry. to actually let the aggrieved person cry rather than stifle the hurt that's wrestling and wracking one's very core.

it is in crying (wail if you must) that we find the perfect way to exhaust every intangible and fractured piece of spirit that is bottled in our core. kundi, mabu-buang lang tayo.

to cry is to exhale; to unburden our spirit with numbing blows; to cry is to purge ourselves with crippling abstracts that may forever leave us dented.

tough as how some people see me, i cry.

because it is in crying that i find my strength. knowing that i have shed tears and wiped away the last of my sobs, i can look forward to being whole again. finding my smile. welcoming sunshine back into my life.

something that i am now.

After Great Pains, Formal Feeling Comes.

iloilo musings.

i started my week by hopping on to Cebu Pac's second morning flight bound for Iloilo.
it's me, at work.
in the midst of the frentic and exciting press meet i've mounted last night, my Big Boss texted me about the DEparttment's out-of-town team-building by the middle of this week.

i'm Subic-bound as soon as i hit Manila tomorrow.

i smiled...well, i actually bit my lip from laughing.

literally, i am living my life in a suitcase...at least for the month of May!

i just have barely enough time to unload my soiled clothing to make room for fresh ones; just having enough allowance to let my suitcase breathe for a few hours before i lug it to our new destination.

cool no? it's not me bragging. it's me, just feeling awesome and blessed at the same time to go around and meet real nice people....and i know, it's in mingling and meeting these new faces and making new friends and whiling time and conversing with them that i grow.

and it's this facet of my work that i really enjoy the most.

true that i get tired. i feel worn-out.
but the sense of fulfillment that i get is something that refreshes me at the same time.

hmmmm.

incurable.

i am a hopeless romantic. an incurable Bora junkie.
yes. this is another entry on Bora.


it's been a week since i bathed in its golden sunset and drank the vermillion from its sun.
it's been a week since i dipped into its calming waters and walked barefoot on its powdery sands.



but i guess, one can't get enough of Boracay....its endless supply of bronze goddesses..hehehehe

adventure....really, really nice people...and sights like this that would make you feel like a kid all over again!


see, i've got a school of Nemo behind me!


cramps did little to prevent me from conquering my fear. fact is, it got me reconciled with the adventurer in me.


rockin' Bora has never been this good!

(know something? for a nanosecond i was thinking of retracing my steps to Manila...
i was only too glad to shake the nega feeling off me.
i can't afford to allow an atom of tentativeness spoil my homecoming of sorts...
and now, i am only too glad i just let things be.
it was the best THREE DAYS of Summer for me, this Bora experience, i mean.
i know, another surprise is bound to unfold...and i can't wait for it to happen...am all tight-lipped about it, for now...)



i'm glad i brought a piece of it with me home...

on a high still.

pardon the lack of visuals. photobucket is not exactly cooperating and Mr.Friendster has decided to jilt me anew as my attempt to upload fresh Bora photos proved to be futile.

i am itching to read my friends' messages and comments on my Bora adventure. and i really am going to barge into a net shop tomorrow just to browse over my Friendster missive.

i know. i know. i am starting to sound like a crackhead - blabbering about Bora and nothing else.
i can't help it. really. i'm Bora intoxicated. and i am on a high still.

actually, i could still feel the warmth of the Bora sun on my skin.
hehehehe
it's coz i got it tattoed on my back. really...i'll upload it here, as soon as the cyber geniuses find means and ways to make the traffic a tad bearable.

imagine? Friendster's down for two days now?
humpht.

and for the wonderful people silently following my adventures...
standby.

the month of flowers is just starting...and there's a lot of exciting things bound to happen and wonderful people to meet.

ciao.

Bora! Bora! Bora!

it was my first trip in four years..in summation, it was my seventh.
Boracay, as i have always claimed, has become some sort of my second home.
it did not disappoint me when i traced my steps to this island that nestles one of the most beautiful sunset that has unfolded before my eyes....

words escape me now as i nurture a hangover that might take a few more days before it finally wear off...i don't mind. really...i wish, it won't go away.

i guess i'll just let these pictures show how much i enjoyed Bora.


Bora silhouette.


let's do the Bora Silhouette Jump!


Bes Joey and his trademark smirk..or is it smile? sheesh. sa lahat ata ng picture namin, ganito ang ngiti niya. i know this guy enjoyed Bora. hehehehe
bakit kaya? =P
basta happy 'tong mamang 'to, kahit naiiwan ako sa ere minsan....=P


there you go...ang ganda ng view hano?!! shempre!
a Bora visit is not complete without having your pic taken against the mountain silhouette at sunset. Papa Jonas took our pic. may makulit sa likod eh.


Boracay Bronze Goddesses! 'wag nang umangal.


well, ain't that sweet. ;)

threesome ;)

this guy's one of the smartest and wittiest i've met on the island.

and this guy's one of the coolest. and i'm so glad he's there. ;)

Tin and I kayaked from Station 1 to Station 3 and back..something na hindi kinaya ni Jonas! hahahaha

because, we GIRLS ROCK! hahahahhahaa

all geared up for the WALL CLIMBING event of TRIBU X TOUR.

Kuya GIl's one of the most patient and coolest person i've met. siya ang nag-belay sa'kin.

last look at the cam before THE CLIMB.

let's get it on!

this is me, getting the cramps! shayt.

the yabang factor! YES! I REACHED THE TOP! hahahahhahaa


intoxicated with Bora still!!!

this dude kidnapped me from my Aria dinner! humpht. and it's because of an "emergency". =P

the ARIA 4 CHEESE TRIUMVIRATE! at pinagkaguluhan talaga kami!!! Tin, kwento mo nga!

we rocked the hoops! hahahaha

we are BORA's FAB FOUR!

Yes, I am the very definition of Sun-kissed. hahahahhaa

Until my next visit.....sigh....

hopefully with someone who'll watch the sunset with me and wax romantic. ;)

Boracay here I come!

I am going to Bora this weekend...my haven.
and i am going to wear my swimsuit, not the itsy-bitsy kind, silly.

I am going to Bora, and that's it. >wink!<

how much does he love her....?

how much does he love her...?

on a crowded avenue, he made her stop walking.
took off his cap, became lost in her eyes and bent down to kiss her.

***

today i found something i thought i wouldn't have the courage to face, and my heart was lightened. then i was reminded, "Forgive yourself".

flowers can make anyone smile.

i have always harbored a secret tendre with flowers.
they make me smile. they make me feel better. they make me feel appreciated.
they reassure me that when things get pretty awry, good things are bound to come next.

i am so freakin' exhausted. a lot of things are running inside my head.
i'm tired. drained. and there's a dull pain thudding idly inside my head.
it's beyond the physical.
it's the mental exhaustion that has perhaps (heck, it is), taken its toll on me.

i glanced at the Justine and Jessie and i managed to force out a smile.
i envy the pretty miss. she's swamped with flowers.
pink. red. white. yellow.flowers.
in big and small beribboned baskets.

i wish my table's spilling with flowers right now....

si Einstein.si Florence Nightingale. ang soccer at ako, ang manunulat.

When I was a kid, I often indulge in daydreams.

One day, I was this Einstein wannabe.

My greatest dream then – to concoct an expectorant that will snag the tiniest phlegm of stupidity and selfishness that has taken root in every person’s cranium and promptly expel from the polluted system.

I passed through that stage wherein I thought (and with Nanay’s prodding) I’d look good in a crisp, white uniform with that starchy little cap on my head. I thought I’d be the next Pinay Florence Nightingale.

And then, there was a time I thought entering the PMA and donning a Navy uniform would be the coolest thing for me (I ruled out the airforce, ‘coz I fear heights. Army is a bit ordinary, or so I thought.Hehehehe).
I dreamt of entering military school.

When I was in high school, I was drugged with thoughts of excelling in sports. I thought I’d be the next softball sensation - sporting the spanking, smart, pin-striped uniform of my school varsity. But just like my dream of suiting up as a junior basketeer, Tatay quashed the thought.
He wouldn’t want me to become a lesbian.

But then again, I wasn’t to be restrained too simply.
In college, I played soccer for three straight years, and went on to become my Faculty’s team captain on my senior year.
It was fun. True, I was observed to be a tad boyish for some boys’ standards, but I don’t care. I enjoyed the game and was, still is, perfectly in touch with my feminine side.

When I stepped into the university, I know, my calling was to become a communicator. Since elementary, I have developed this love affair with the printed word. Reading is only second to breathing.
And it is in writing that I found my heart.
The first stirrings of love pulsed through me, when I discovered the magic of writing.

I liked seeing my nails getting inked – from jotting down lectures, notes, interviews, quotes, using the typewriter.

There’s a different kind of high in getting facts, chasing people for interview, cramming everything into coherent phrases, shaping sentences, sewing paragraphs for stories that would inform people, make them laugh, tug their hears, shape opinions.

And there’s a different sense of fulfillment in seeing people actually read what you have written, it’s euphoric when an authority in the field actually acknowledge your existence.

And then I almost forgot how it is to dream, much more, indulge in that child-like trance of daydreaming things the adult me would perhaps dismiss as too simple, too naïve.

Almost. Forgotten. Almost forgotten.
But not quite.

I indulge in daydreaming still. Often, coming home from work. I daydream of spending one whole day, resting. Reading a book, snuggled on my banig. Tucked into my own realm. Unbothered. No household chores to think of. No impending bills threatening to nick my salary anew. Sigh. Those kinds of daydreaming.

Sometimes, I confuse it with my what ifs.
But then, that’s another blog entry.

the fear you won't fall....

i was sifting through a gazillion of emails, and i stumbled on this one.
something that will make any true-blue hopeless romantic sigh.
hahahahaha
perfect timing, 'Full House' is on rewind and i'm tickled pink with Jessie and Luigi's market moment.
hahahaha

trust me, flowers never fails to make any girl smile.

enjoy the song.


“The Fear You Won’t Fall”
Joshua Radin

Digging a hole and the walls are caving in
Behind me air’s getting thin but I’m trying
I’m breathing inCome find me

It hasn’t felt like this before
It hasn’t felt like home before you
And I know it’s easy to say but it’s harder to feel
This way


And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can’t get my mind off of you


I know you’re scared that I’ll soon be over it
That’s part of it all
Part of the beauty of falling in love with you is the fear you won’t fall

It hasn’t felt like this before
It hasn’t felt like home before you
And I know it’s easy to say but it’s harder to feel
This way

And I miss you more than I should than I thought I could
Can’t get my mind off of you

And I hate the phoneBut I wish you’d call
Thought being alone
Was better than was better than

And I know it’s easy to say but it’s harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can’t get my mind off of you
Can’t get my mind off of you

And I know it’s easy to say but it’s harder to feel
This way
And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can’t get my mind off of you

happiness.

one can never have enough of happiness.
the state of being happy. being in bliss. almost carefree.
as if a thousand smiles rained and the droplets dribbled freely in and around one's mouth...
a tangible, palpable liquid scent - its swirling watery vapors tip-toeing on the lips, ever-so lightly...like dancing butterflies on the petals of a morning rose.

one can never have enough of happiness.
a dose of which can be likened to a cardiac arrest of bubbling emotional goo - sudden lightheartedness, intangible, addictive.

happiness is that rare disease everyone wants to get inflicted of, those who has it, never makes time to seek for a cure.

who would want to be cured from being happy right?
who wouldn't want to be wrapped in a blanket of bliss?
know no pain. relieved of hurt. unscarred. beyond the reach of a scourge.

everyone wants to be happy. you. me. and almost every person in my contact list.

but how does one find it? where does one start the search?

i have learned that being happy starts from within.
and the process is not exactly the very definition of brevity.
finding happiness does not happen in blink of an eye - lasting happiness that is, one that does not fold at the slightest touch nor waver at the faintest blush.

while it is true that happiness may be found in the simplest of things,
it is because one has learned to reconcile certain issues with oneself.

until there was you

sadness never had a face until you came and blanketed its almost ethereal abstraction.
it knew no form, now it is capable of touch.
it occupies no space, now it has a body of its own with fingers capable of tracing the heart's most faint lines and vein the chamber's innermost nerves.

sadness never knew a voice until you came and lend it a sound that has become synonymous with a heartbreak --- a soft cry only that only the heart can hear; a dribbled, stifled wail audible only to the soul.

sadness never knew me, until there was you.
and i have never been happier.

Ash Wednesday ngayon.

today is Ash Wednesday.
a special day of obligation for Catholics worlwide to pause for a moment, contemplate, reflect and call to mind the importance of this day as it bid the start of the 40-day fasting in observance of Lent.

please, if you're not a big fan of the Catholic faith, the least that you can do is bite your tongue - that is if you're parents did not teach you how to respect other people's beliefs...

in this space, i could babble forever on other religion's flaws but i chose not to.
because i was taught how to respect other people's faith.

my circle of friends is an interesting pot of various religions and beliefs, but we got along fine..almost 15 years...because we know how to respect each other's space and the respective faith that we grew up into....

sana, 'yung lahat ng tao..ganun din.