amorphous

my first meal for the day was pinched with a song.

"'coz it's my first broken heart...my dreams have almost ended, it's my first broken heart. i don't know how to mend it. tell me where do i start (do i start) 'coz it's my first broken heart"

my spoon loaded with rice and lumped with fish hang midway between my mouth and my tray as the song wafted in the air...

at the same time, an amorphous object trickled down my throat down to my navel. a lump curved into a ball then settled heavily into my tummy.
my breakfast - which was not too long ago made my mouth watery - tasted like cardboard.

i tried to shake off the feeling.
i was somehow successful, but the ball of cold vapor seemed to shackle itself in its new found home, refusing to dissipate, much more melt away.

it felt weird...
as if one is made to feel dry and awashed at the same time...one part is smiling but the other is in limbo...like catching a butterfly with your bare hands, only to discover that it is not really there...

i conjured images of my bliss list, only to find a wan smile tugging the corners of my lips...getting myself all worked up is requiring too much effort, kicking my shins and my butt is an immediate action i am almost tempted to resort to.

"PISCES: Emotions will be difficult to control but will allow you to rid yourself of the past so you can move on to a bright new future. be brave and make a to-do list of all the changes to make in the new year."

This was my horoscope a few days ago. Excitement surged through me at the initial reading, now i am at lost.

Sometimes I wish, forecasts would be a bit clearer. Colors would be more defined. Why can't blue be seen as simply blue? Why is there a need for blue to be subclassed as perwinkle blue, skyblue, midnight blue, charcoal blue, matted blue? Why can't colors be taken as they are?

sigh. of course, i know why it had to be that way.

because, colors, just like life itself takes a different shade and hue with every blackness added, with each light embraced.

sadness takes a different tone and a different toll on every individual...and the state of being happy is experienced in varying level.

the cold lump is sleeping no more. it has now clouded atop my head. nestled on my uncombed tresses. i cannot fog it off, since it is capable of willing itself into appearing and reappearing within and outside of my system...

thank God, it skipped my heart and jumped over my chest.

for a moment, i worried drowning in sorrow's cup of bitter herbs and the uncertaintly of being unable to swim back to sanity nearly scared me.

i pray for that day wherein i could swim in deep waters confidently and snorkle in life's water of surprises...

i pray for that thick blanket to keep me warm when the days gets to be too rainy for me...

i pray for happy thoughts to come in butterfly droves and for sad memories to stay muted in the background...

i pray for healing that i may afford to touch other people's lives and be a proof of God's hand at work...

that after all the hurts and the pains and the wounds and the sorrows,

life is still beautiful and a smile that was borne of healed pain is much sweeter than a fleeting kiss of a happy Janus.