for the meantime...no more.

once upon a time, i got hold of a copy of this interesting piece of material. and once upon a time, with every reading that i do, i'd get punctured and needled and besighed with the truthfulness of the words.

today, an officemate forwarded this to me.
suspending my work, albeit temporarily, i have decided to do this material a fresh reading. and now, inject insights.
as i can identify with the meantime girl no more.
i bleed no more.

The Meantime Girl

She`s the one you call when you`re bored because she makes you laugh. She`s the one you talk to when you`re feeling down because she`s willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She`s not the one you call when you need a date to your company`s Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She`s the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find `The One`. hanggang ngayon naman. especially that i am single anew. Guy friends who are in fucked-up relationships..okay, let me rephrase that, "badgered guys in a fucked-up relationships" - to borrow some friend's words - turn to me for a fresh vista on things...for a reminder to stop and smell the roses. to get them laughing again. to ask how their day went by. to make them feel how nice it is to be checked out without being nagged. to re-assure them that they're doing good. doing well. that yes, they are giving their darndest in their present undertaking and that they need to have a break once in a while. heck, if i could only charge people for the kind of cheering up that i do for them, i would have been a millionaire by now! but then again, that's the magic of friendship, right?

You know, the one you keep in the MEANTIME. i think it is of disservice to my kindness to be treated as a meantime girl, right?

She`s not one of the guys, not a tomboy, definitely, hindi na ako one of the boys dahil i've graduated from dressing up as one of the boys...inasmuch as i've already proven that i am no lesbian...but you don`t look at her as a "real" woman, either. She`s not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in the light. not bitchy enough? think again. not moody enough? think again. hehehehe kaya nga "volatile" ang creature na 'to eh....She`s too laid-back, maybe, at times.too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by maybe, at times.. She`s too understanding, too comfortable. Doesn`t make you feel nervous or excited the way a `real` woman does. unaffected...=)

But she`s cool, nice and funny, and attractive enough that when you`re lonely and need intimate female companionship, she`ll do just fine. You don`t have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don`t have any facades to keep up, no pretense to preserve. You`re not trying to get anything of substance out of her. because, one is simply being a friend. and you are thinking of someone else, a girl who could be a friend and has the potential to function as a GF-poser, but minus the complexities.

She`s not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you. And you know that you don`t have to explain yourself or the situation, that she`ll be able to cope with the fact that this isn`t the beginning of a relationship or that there`s any possiblity that you have any real romantic feelings for her. because men (who are in reality, little tykes) will always be after the intangible freebies of a (platonic) relationship. and this may include the affection that women are more than always ready to give wholeheartedly...sometimes, taking advantage of it to the fullest...becoming needy, demanding creatures who wouldn't want to be badgered back in the same needy, demanding way and at times appending that word 'dramatics' to the process.

It won`t bother her that you`ll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you`ve been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you.

She`ll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went.

She`s just so cool.. why can`t all women be like that?! because, not all women are as special, skilled in the art of intellectual stimulation --- be it a melee or laidback, relaxed conversation, beautiful (yes, todo buhat na 'to!) and charmingly humble (yes, sabay kabig!) at the same time.

But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don`t.. because to you, the situation between the two of you isn`t important enough to merit any real thought) you know that it`s really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don`t think she`s good enough to spend any real time with. paulit-ulit lang 'to. wala lang kasi 'balls' ang ibang guys. sheesh. sometimes, fault din naman ng girls. nilalagay sila sa pedestal. almost demi-god-like. hindi naman dapat. tsk.tsk.tsk.

Sure, it`smostly her fault, because she doesn`t have to give in to your needs - she could really play hard-to-get. Bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn`t pull it off. watch me pull it off. Maybe she`s too short, or a little overweight, or has big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell, or just really not that type. now, see who's into categorizing now.

Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman. yeah..moon over this line...goddess..hehehehe...i'm goddess. =P

You`ll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, well, a very good friend of mine has already asked me to be the best man in his wedding and i was more than happy to be one. and it's all because we have witnessed each other undergo the most devastating moments in each other's lives. and remain good friends, minus the romantic strings. thank God! tama ba Yeoj? hahaha and she`ll laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux.heck, i'll wear an elegant gown as a 'best man'. can't afford to look like a beggar in my bestfriend's wedding. >wink!<>

She doesn`t captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. sigh...i think i have opened many doors with half a smile. Mainly, she blends in with the crowd.i readily blend in a crowd, but i always stand out...sabi nga ng isang special person in my past, no matter how low-profile i try to be, i will always stand out. become who i am born to be. naks. lord of the rings 'yan bro! hahaha She`s safe. but of course. She doesn`t want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. yes, reluctant star and hesitant hearthrob. hahaha just figured, masarap pala ang feeling to make heads turn...=)
so, head turner ito.

But she wants to turn someone`s head. She wants to be SPECIAL to someone, too. We all do. She has feelings. She has heart. a woman also happens to be human...a very special creature of God.

In fact, she probably has a bigger heart than any woman you`ve ever known because she`s had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. smile.smile.smile.

She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you`ve given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is. - Anonymous
AMEN. So, never take (me) women for granted. Because you'll never know the kind of blessing you would be missing. =)

top of my head.

there are quite a lot of things running inside my head. at a time like this. in a day like this. when it's a few minutes shy of 6p.m. when almost people in neighboring cubicles have deserted their desks. scooped their stuff. made that rush to the elevator. itching to get inside their cars and head home. beat the downpour threatening to wreak havoc anew. it's a good thing the skies have somewhat cleared.

it has cleared. a welcome change from the dark, greyish foam that has clouded and tormented our roofs, drenched the pavements and flooded our homes for the past three days.

i was stalled by this pretty-faced celebrity whose pronounciation is so awful, am sure she'd post as a challenge to every Speech teacher available. talking about Alyssa Alano. the girl who sang the 'Kiss Me' with a 'Keys Me' sound. hahahahaha

hayyy..a few more ticks and it's already six.
something makes me wanna go home now...and i dare not write any further what. just wanna seek refuge in my mom's soothing presence and take comfort in my sister's reassuring words...i just wanna be with them at this very moment.

i told someone today "parang basketball kasi ang nangyayari. what matters lang, kung ano ang nakikita sa paper. 'di nakikita 'yung intangibles tulad ng assist at rebounds".
am just thankful, that that someone is not as myopic as some people are.

i can't keep myself organize with this blog.just want to shoot things off from the top of my head.i guess, i just feel broken in some way. i feel bad. i feel sad....

tama nga si FAYE.

may mga tao, na kahit three-fourths na ng kidney mo ang ibinibigay mo, will never feel it's enough. kahit kailan, hindi 'yun magiging enough dahil dependent na sila sa'yo. dahil hindi lang kapiraso ng pagkatao mo ang kailangan nila. dine-demand na nila ang kabuuan mo. dahil tamad na silang mag-exist man lang para sa sarili nila. na ultimo paghinga, gusto pa nilang i-asa sa'yo.

may mga taong ganito. may mga taong sadyang ganito.

pero 'pag nakita nila na pwede kang magkamali, still, patay ka pa rin.

they won't be cutting you any slack whatsoever. they will not allow you to make any mistakes, no matter how honest it is. they will not make room for any allowances.

'coz with every mistake, comes the gravity of a slap that will erase the hundred good things you have done. and all that there is left to see, is the error you have made.

and all because you are human. and you made that mistake.

sana iwasan nating maging ganun...

i remember this exercise.
a clean sheet of paper. immaculately clean.
you write a small dot on the center.
and when one sees the material, all that is taken notice of is that blackened dot. the imperfection.

how sad.

maxed out.

maxed out.
want me to define it? just look at me at this very minute.
'coz i am the very definition of someone who is. maxed out, what else?

try doing this for the day:
write two releases just before an 11am set visit to antipolo. have it printed. prepare the kits. seal the envelopes.

lunch with press people.
keep them occupied, interested for the next hour as the van makes its way to an exclusive suburb in Antipolo City (thank God they're such an accomodating and warm bunch!).

once on the set, arrange for a stream of interviews.
keep the interview going.
engage in a (short of) four-hour gabfest.

as soon as stepping into your batcave - my cube. my recluse. - pump up the PC.
finish tree more set of press releases.
finish three column feeds.
tick off the task done (thank God, i've wiped them off already).

and most of all, try not to remember the scarring line that one bastard casually dropped.
try not to be pissed off.
at least for the meantime.
try to erase every vivid memory of that five-second rubout.
pretend that you're unaffected.
pretend you don't care.
pretend you're not hurt.
pretend you're invinsible.
casually shake it off. pretend it wasn't an insensitive brush off.

pretend.

be casual.

AT LEAST, FOR THE MEANTIME.

then, when the clock strikes at 6:30 p.m. let it all out.
silently.
like a steam off a whistling kettle.

can you do that?

i just did.

am maxxed out.

in the arms of a cherub.

in sync with July's step, my world flipped.
and up to now, i could feel tremors that the past two days have brought me...
incidents. conversations. words. of which i would rather keep lidded and just let myself soak into...i guess, no other person will be able to understand it..understand it with me or simply stay with me as i try to compartamentalize the porous, amorphous vapor that would seize me with its nauseating, painful spells every now and then...the kind of spells that would almost knock you down - not because of its pungent, dizzying effect, but moreso because of the abstract hurt it is capable of inflicting on you..

fact is the spells are odorless, but not necessarily painless. at times it comes in dangerous droves. a pile of cold angst dumped one after the other.

me, talking about angst. that's something.
me, having angst, that's something.
me, nurturing angst, now, that is something.

a friend said i was 'masungit' and i was not being my usual cheery self.

sometimes, when something's too heavy for me to carry, i drag it - unconsciously. thereby spilling ugly splotches on the floor and at times, dribbbles of its spills over to the nearest concerned warm body.

sorry.

when most of my lifesaver's are afloat and deflated, i could only be too thankful for the presence of this one cherub in my life ---- .

she landed on my lap with a thud, at the right place and at the right time. and i felt that finding solace in the warm hugs of this cute angel goes beyond words.


a day-out with my niece blocked out all the ill feelings that the previous night have brought. her small, stubby fingers laced over mine felt divine. and i feel that i'm invincible once more.


i ache for her smiles which she so generously give...her stubborn, defiant looks that never fails to make me laugh...if i could only bottle her laughs. stitch her smiles and make it into a badge...then perhaps, i could stretch the feeling of lightheartedness even as she's not around.

but then, that's wishful thinking.