in sync with July's step, my world flipped.
and up to now, i could feel tremors that the past two days have brought me...
incidents. conversations. words. of which i would rather keep lidded and just let myself soak into...i guess, no other person will be able to understand it..understand it with me or simply stay with me as i try to compartamentalize the porous, amorphous vapor that would seize me with its nauseating, painful spells every now and then...the kind of spells that would almost knock you down - not because of its pungent, dizzying effect, but moreso because of the abstract hurt it is capable of inflicting on you..
fact is the spells are odorless, but not necessarily painless. at times it comes in dangerous droves. a pile of cold angst dumped one after the other.
me, talking about angst. that's something.
me, having angst, that's something.
me, nurturing angst, now, that is something.
a friend said i was 'masungit' and i was not being my usual cheery self.
sometimes, when something's too heavy for me to carry, i drag it - unconsciously. thereby spilling ugly splotches on the floor and at times, dribbbles of its spills over to the nearest concerned warm body.
sorry.
when most of my lifesaver's are afloat and deflated, i could only be too thankful for the presence of this one cherub in my life ----
.she landed on my lap with a thud, at the right place and at the right time. and i felt that finding solace in the warm hugs of this cute angel goes beyond words.
a day-out with my niece blocked out all the ill feelings that the previous night have brought. her small, stubby fingers laced over mine felt divine. and i feel that i'm invincible once more.
i ache for her smiles which she so generously give...her stubborn, defiant looks that never fails to make me laugh...if i could only bottle her laughs. stitch her smiles and make it into a badge...then perhaps, i could stretch the feeling of lightheartedness even as she's not around.
but then, that's wishful thinking.
No comments:
Post a Comment